Broken Hearts

To: The boy I will never be with, You always cross my mind at night when I lie alone in my bed. I cry just thinking about the fact that we no longer talk. That we are no longer best friends. I miss your hugs, those tight hugs you give me when you haven't seen me in awhile. You gave me my first drink when i was 14, you also gave me my first butterflies. Darling, my sweet darling i miss hearing your voice every now and then. I wish I had never pushed you away. But I am unstable and lack control when it comes to my emotions. My inner monster let you go, my monster called borderline who I cant control in fact it controls me. I wish you knew how I felt... With every tear that falls at night I pray to god that I find someone like you. Every time I get drunk you cross my mind because its...
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Dear life, Guess what!? I have no hope for you. I am screwing everything up from my exams to my existence. I am such a sad excuse for a human being. I suffered from verbal abuse my whole life but realized it only now. I let people, words and actions get into my head and haunt the life out of me. I cry, I cut and I make myself sick to the gut most days. I can't deal with it anymore my life has lost its meaning, I guess it had no meaning to lose in the first place. I don't matter to people especially the ones who are constantly around me, they don't care, they are fed up too and so am I. I try and try and try to have hope and succeed but it's as if I am cursed! As much as I hate to say it I am giving up this fight, I am done...
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I know this must be hard on you not seeing your son and all but do you ever lay awake at night thinking about what you did? Do you even remember it or is it fragmented memories because of your intoxicated state. Do you ever sit back and think about what your son had to witness? Do you know that when he plays with mommy and daddy toys, he portray's the daddy one as an angry monster? Do you know he saw you hit his mother that night- even though she didn't put it in her statement or press charges, he still saw it. Do you know when he hears a clicking noise, anything loud or a knock on the door he runs and hides and screams "No, Daddy, No." He wakes up in the middle of the night crying saying "daddy pow pow." Did you know that not one person in his life right now has said anything negative...
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I still love you and it really sucks. I don’t want to love you because you are a self-centered, lying narcissist. You hurt me so badly. But, see, I can’t remember the bad part clearly. I only remember the good. I have to force myself to remember that you moved on with her immediately after me, if not before. I have to remember you screaming at me right before it ended and saying you disliked everything about me. Only, I remember the times that you held me in your arms and made me feel safe. The way that we texted all day long and our cute little nicknames. I remember going to so many events with you and feeling like you were my best friend. I feel like you are my soulmate. But I have to remember that you haven’t said a word to me since the day I hung up the phone. Not one single word....
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It sucks how I feel this way for you. I tried to keep a distance from you but wtf you keep on moving closer to me! I know you didn’t feel the same way but hey please step back a little. Please don’t make me fall for you more each day. I knew you are a mess but hey it seems that I am loving this crap. Your sight can make my day ok. If I need a shock absorber you are there. Trying to make me feel ok. Shitty this feeling. This can’t be happening. How can I let go of the one who understands my flaws. How?
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Hello my ex. I'd really like to get answers from you but you will not respond. I'd like to know how it was that you could tell me you loved me every single day, while having a relationship with her? First she appeared on your Instagram, how lovely. I asked you time and time again if there was anyone else and you, of course, said no. You kept saying how much of a man you were and that you had the strength to not cheat. The strength?? I'm sorry, I didn't know it was such a sacrifice for you. You did want someone to party with you and someone to have no thoughts of their own. It seems you found it with her. Now to her... To her I would ask if she has ever loved a guy so much that it hurt? That her every waking moment made her feel like that hole in her soul was closing, that she was...
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There is something even I don't understand about self harm. People tell me it's stupid, and I know. They tell me it's wrong and I agree with them. It's something you shouldn't do. Some look at both vertical and horizontal lines on my wrists and call me attention whore. Here's the thing I don't need attention. I need help. Or something to occupy my mind just so I wouldn't have to deal with the heavy free fall that is my heart. My heart is a phenomenon. It feels like an event. A stargazing museum with no stars and no light to stare at. I feel like falling I'm on the edge of a cliff even though I am seated comfortably here in my room. There are times that I punch myself. Hard. Just to distract myself from the horrid thing that is my own mind. I like to think that with every degrading...
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Dear Almost, I am writing this letter to help gain a sense of peace, closure, and the strength to continue moving forward. I didn’t see you coming. Having only known the feeling of toxic love, I did not have many expectations for dating anymore and was quite content being single and on my own. You came out of no where and before I knew it, I was hooked and the love I felt for you hit me like a ton of bricks. From the moment I first laid eyes on you when we met over coffee that day, I knew you were going to be a huge part of my life. The ways in which we were connected were anything but a coincidence. If you ask me, it was fate. Our moms grew up together, I’ve known your step family for years, your dad lived directly across the street from me in the past, and yet we never crossed...
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I am angry at you because, I have forgiven you again, like every other time. Without a single word spoken between us I have forgiven you and allowed myself to feel the blame of your anger, sadness, stress, and every emotion I never wanted you to feel. I am angry because I still miss you when I hear a song on the radio, or smell a scent of cologne. When I miss you it’s like all of the rare good times outweigh the all of the bad times. I still wish for a second I was in that two-bedroom house with you, cooking your supper, cleaning up after your messes, and feeling warm when you would say “I love you”. But then I want to hate you, so much, because I know you didn’t love me. Or at least you didn’t love me as I loved you. Because to me, you were more than just an object that I could use for...
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You make me cry. It's that simple. Even as I write this, I feel that burning at the corners of my eyes. I lock the door in fear someone will walk in, see me about to cry. I don't know if it will be a sob, weep, or one of those quiet, long cries. But I know I'll cry. What else am I supposed to do? How do you want me to respond to you? I am terrible at words, feelings, empathy. You know this. You don't know the depth of my emotions, though. You broke your own heart and mine in one blow. Impressive, if we weren't the ones getting hurt. If you weren't the one with a rope around your neck, and I wasn't the one losing a heart, it'd almost be a story for the ages. A tragedy. But for me, for you, it is us. It is our lives.
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