Broken Hearts

It’s strange how many opportunities there are to stand on your soapbox and broadcast your life, but how equally unacceptable this appears to be in the land of social media. An open letter, to me, is a cathartic release and a way to reach people that normally wouldn’t listen. Get comfy – I have a few things to get through. With everything that has happened over the past two years it’s been hard to see how I could forgive some people. Don’t get me wrong, the hurt is still there but it doesn’t define who I am and it’s certainly not going to stop me. There is nothing harder than accepting an apology you know that you’ll never receive but I honestly wonder if those people will ever see their actions from the side of the other person. For all intents and purposes, I was happy. I had...
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He’s discarded us and we are both hiding the chide of raw rejection.. Why dear heart can’t we come together in our need? We share the same body, the same blood, but we tear and tear at each other with meanness and pity and guilt and blame.. Why dear heart when we are all we’ve got forever do we do this? Are we so far apart in our feelings that we seek others to replace the beating of our own one blood through our veins? Is the containment so constricting, that we are destined to scream and ach and cavort for external distraction ceaselessly? Or is that just me doing that… keeping you up all night with my doubts and fears and worries? When you just want to hula in to a moonlit pool and sway in its gently lapping waves? Should we call upon our soul to soothe us? Where can we look...
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Dear Everyone, I am writing to let you know that you succeeded. The war between you and I has finally come to an end. You won. I let you win. Let me tell you how you won... I let you succeed at every opportunity to ruin me, break my soul that was already broken. You made me feel exactly what my 8 year old self dreaded. A disaster. My 8 year old self would be so tormented to know that she would turn out to be what she is today. I let your words haunt me to sleep every night. "you're ugly", "you're too fat", "your eyes are too big", "the gap between your teeth makes you look cheap", "you're dumb", "you're weak" and the worst of it all "you're not pretty enough to exist". As the tears rush down my face I made myself believe in those words. I made myself believe that is who I am...
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To: The boy I will never be with, You always cross my mind at night when I lie alone in my bed. I cry just thinking about the fact that we no longer talk. That we are no longer best friends. I miss your hugs, those tight hugs you give me when you haven't seen me in awhile. You gave me my first drink when i was 14, you also gave me my first butterflies. Darling, my sweet darling i miss hearing your voice every now and then. I wish I had never pushed you away. But I am unstable and lack control when it comes to my emotions. My inner monster let you go, my monster called borderline who I cant control in fact it controls me. I wish you knew how I felt... With every tear that falls at night I pray to god that I find someone like you. Every time I get drunk you cross my mind because its...
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Dear life, Guess what!? I have no hope for you. I am screwing everything up from my exams to my existence. I am such a sad excuse for a human being. I suffered from verbal abuse my whole life but realized it only now. I let people, words and actions get into my head and haunt the life out of me. I cry, I cut and I make myself sick to the gut most days. I can't deal with it anymore my life has lost its meaning, I guess it had no meaning to lose in the first place. I don't matter to people especially the ones who are constantly around me, they don't care, they are fed up too and so am I. I try and try and try to have hope and succeed but it's as if I am cursed! As much as I hate to say it I am giving up this fight, I am done...
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I know this must be hard on you not seeing your son and all but do you ever lay awake at night thinking about what you did? Do you even remember it or is it fragmented memories because of your intoxicated state. Do you ever sit back and think about what your son had to witness? Do you know that when he plays with mommy and daddy toys, he portray's the daddy one as an angry monster? Do you know he saw you hit his mother that night- even though she didn't put it in her statement or press charges, he still saw it. Do you know when he hears a clicking noise, anything loud or a knock on the door he runs and hides and screams "No, Daddy, No." He wakes up in the middle of the night crying saying "daddy pow pow." Did you know that not one person in his life right now has said anything negative...
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I still love you and it really sucks. I don’t want to love you because you are a self-centered, lying narcissist. You hurt me so badly. But, see, I can’t remember the bad part clearly. I only remember the good. I have to force myself to remember that you moved on with her immediately after me, if not before. I have to remember you screaming at me right before it ended and saying you disliked everything about me. Only, I remember the times that you held me in your arms and made me feel safe. The way that we texted all day long and our cute little nicknames. I remember going to so many events with you and feeling like you were my best friend. I feel like you are my soulmate. But I have to remember that you haven’t said a word to me since the day I hung up the phone. Not one single word....
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It sucks how I feel this way for you. I tried to keep a distance from you but wtf you keep on moving closer to me! I know you didn’t feel the same way but hey please step back a little. Please don’t make me fall for you more each day. I knew you are a mess but hey it seems that I am loving this crap. Your sight can make my day ok. If I need a shock absorber you are there. Trying to make me feel ok. Shitty this feeling. This can’t be happening. How can I let go of the one who understands my flaws. How?
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Hello my ex. I'd really like to get answers from you but you will not respond. I'd like to know how it was that you could tell me you loved me every single day, while having a relationship with her? First she appeared on your Instagram, how lovely. I asked you time and time again if there was anyone else and you, of course, said no. You kept saying how much of a man you were and that you had the strength to not cheat. The strength?? I'm sorry, I didn't know it was such a sacrifice for you. You did want someone to party with you and someone to have no thoughts of their own. It seems you found it with her. Now to her... To her I would ask if she has ever loved a guy so much that it hurt? That her every waking moment made her feel like that hole in her soul was closing, that she was...
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There is something even I don't understand about self harm. People tell me it's stupid, and I know. They tell me it's wrong and I agree with them. It's something you shouldn't do. Some look at both vertical and horizontal lines on my wrists and call me attention whore. Here's the thing I don't need attention. I need help. Or something to occupy my mind just so I wouldn't have to deal with the heavy free fall that is my heart. My heart is a phenomenon. It feels like an event. A stargazing museum with no stars and no light to stare at. I feel like falling I'm on the edge of a cliff even though I am seated comfortably here in my room. There are times that I punch myself. Hard. Just to distract myself from the horrid thing that is my own mind. I like to think that with every degrading...
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