Dear Anthony (an open letter)

Subject: Dear Anthony (an open letter)
From: A
Date: 26 Mar 2023

I haven't stopped thinking about you since we last spoke. Then I saw you with another girl at my job, and my heart shattered. Just when I thought I was finally moving on. I guess I haven't gotten there yet, and I am scared I never will. But I know I have to, and I know eventually I'll let go.
You were in my dreams recently. I haven't dreamt about you since we saw each other last. I think my mind continues to portray someone who I thought you were rather than who you really are. It hurts less and less as time goes on, and I know that one day and I will feel no pain at all.
My sister told me that my best friend talked to you when I was gone. She told you to never talk to me again. If you truly loved me the way you did that you knew it would be better for us to say goodbye. I wish I knew that sooner, because now I am sitting here- almost a year later- wishing I could have done something to prevent our ending.
At the end of the day, it wasn't going to work out. We were too different, and I was asking for more than you were willing to give. I also didn't have the right mindset back then, and I still struggle with it to this day. However, I still wish I could have let you known how I felt. I was scared to lose you, and when that day finally came it was something that I wish I never had to experience.
But you can't grow in a perfect world. Although we were far from perfect, I didn't want to lose you. I loved you so much. I would've done anything for you. I know if you were to hear that back then you would say, "No one is asking you to do that." No one had to ask me, it was a decision I made on my own. It is a feeling I still have now. I never believed that once you love someone, that feeling is always going to be there. That wasn't until I met you. Before I saw you at my job, I wished that you would walk back into my life, and I would finally be able to confess all the feelings that I never did. I thought we were going to be able to just pick up where we left off. But the days turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months. Then I did see you. Everything I wanted all this time was the most painful thing that could have ever happened. Because you were laughing, and you were staring into her eyes when she talked. You looked happy. You moved on. Wishing for you to come back was selfish, because the only thing that seeing each other would do would bring more pain. I knew that I just needed my own form of closure.
I am not mad at you. I knew that our relationship wasn't the best, especially with how things ended. It just hurt, a lot. Because I was over here wishing that I could see you, and you were living your own life probably not thinking about me. That's fair. Like I said, our relationship wasn't the best. So I am not mad that you are living your life because I am living mine. It is just upsetting that this life that I am living doesn't have you in it.
It pains me because I am starting to forget what your voice sounds like. I forgot what your "signature scent" was. I forgot what your laugh sounds like. I am forgetting what your face looks like. That hurts the most.
I am writing all of this in hopes that I will finally be able to get everything off my chest. Even if you never read this. Even if you'll never know how I feel. Even if you have moved on. I still love you. It hard to admit, but it's true. I fell in love with you the moment you saw my scars and held me in silence. I fell in love you with you the moment we ran on that beach at 3 AM howling at the moon. I fell in love with you the moment you cried in front of me in the car for the last time.
I haven't cried about our situation in a really long time, and writing all of this is making me cry now. I do miss you, but I know we had to let go. I know we were never going to get better as individuals unless we did. I know it's for the best. Just know that I still do love you, and I wish you the best. You deserve the world, even if you don't think you do.
With that being said, goodbye Anthony.
Love, A