More Open Letters

AN OPEN LETTER TO CANONICAL AUTHORS

Dear Canonical Authors,

I regret the impersonal nature of this form letter, but time-...

4,553
AN OPEN LETTER TO ANDREA ANGRUM, SITE DIRECTOR FOR NASA’S VOYAGER PROGRAM

Dear Mrs. Angrum:

I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you for successfully...

8,807
AN OPEN LETTER OF THANKS TO THE GUY WITH THE SMIRKING LOOK OF DISDAIN AND SUPERIORITY WHEN I TRY TO UPSELL HIM AT MY DEAD-END RETAIL JOB

Dear Sir,

Would it be presumptuous to tell you how I really feel? Share my emotions? Lay...

3,793
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY TODDLER REGARDING HIS USE OF MY IPHONE

Dear Son/Future Apple Employee,
3,804
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HOT CANADIAN ZUMBA TEACHER WHO PULLED ME ONSTAGE AFTER MY MOTHER DIED

Dear Hot Canadian Zumba Teacher,

You didn’t know she’d had a heart attack a thousand...

4,886
AN OPEN LETTER TO #FITGIRLS

Dear #fitgirls,

I’m worried that if I see another green smoothie on your Instagram, I...

3,746
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MANGO FLY LARVA LIVING IN MY LEFT BUTTOCK

Dear mango fly larva currently taking up residence in my left buttock,

It’s time to come...

5,751
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LADY AT THE FARMERS’ MARKET AND THE LADY AT THE APPLE STORE WHO OFFERED ME THEIR UNWANTED CONDOLENCES FOR EXPECTING A SECOND BABY BOY

Dear Ladies,

I don’t know you and you don’t me.

Yet, when you noticed the...

6,634
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LADY AT THE FARMERS’ MARKET AND THE LADY AT THE APPLE STORE WHO OFFERED ME THEIR UNWANTED CONDOLENCES FOR EXPECTING A SECOND BABY BOY

Dear Ladies,

I don’t know you and you don’t me.

Yet, when you noticed the...

7,095
AN OPEN LETTER TO TRUCKERS FROM YOUR ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY VOLUNTEER

Dear truckers,

I found your piss. Twenty-three bottles, to be exact, in the grass along...

3,872

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