More Open Letters

AN OPEN LETTER TO CANONICAL AUTHORS

Dear Canonical Authors,

I regret the impersonal nature of this form letter, but time-...

3,914
AN OPEN LETTER TO ANDREA ANGRUM, SITE DIRECTOR FOR NASA’S VOYAGER PROGRAM

Dear Mrs. Angrum:

I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you for successfully...

8,174
AN OPEN LETTER OF THANKS TO THE GUY WITH THE SMIRKING LOOK OF DISDAIN AND SUPERIORITY WHEN I TRY TO UPSELL HIM AT MY DEAD-END RETAIL JOB

Dear Sir,

Would it be presumptuous to tell you how I really feel? Share my emotions? Lay...

3,272
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY TODDLER REGARDING HIS USE OF MY IPHONE

Dear Son/Future Apple Employee,
3,361
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE HOT CANADIAN ZUMBA TEACHER WHO PULLED ME ONSTAGE AFTER MY MOTHER DIED

Dear Hot Canadian Zumba Teacher,

You didn’t know she’d had a heart attack a thousand...

4,404
AN OPEN LETTER TO #FITGIRLS

Dear #fitgirls,

I’m worried that if I see another green smoothie on your Instagram, I...

3,233
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MANGO FLY LARVA LIVING IN MY LEFT BUTTOCK

Dear mango fly larva currently taking up residence in my left buttock,

It’s time to come...

5,099
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LADY AT THE FARMERS’ MARKET AND THE LADY AT THE APPLE STORE WHO OFFERED ME THEIR UNWANTED CONDOLENCES FOR EXPECTING A SECOND BABY BOY

Dear Ladies,

I don’t know you and you don’t me.

Yet, when you noticed the...

6,201
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LADY AT THE FARMERS’ MARKET AND THE LADY AT THE APPLE STORE WHO OFFERED ME THEIR UNWANTED CONDOLENCES FOR EXPECTING A SECOND BABY BOY

Dear Ladies,

I don’t know you and you don’t me.

Yet, when you noticed the...

6,551
AN OPEN LETTER TO TRUCKERS FROM YOUR ADOPT-A-HIGHWAY VOLUNTEER

Dear truckers,

I found your piss. Twenty-three bottles, to be exact, in the grass along...

3,296

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