I am sitting here in tears, 9 years of regrets, 7 years of missing you , of missing everything. As I sit here with my two beautiful children ( your little sister and brother) I wonder to myself if you are going to hate me. I beat myself up over and over again in my mind, I am being ate up by guilt.
How can I be the picture of a great mother too your siblings but gave you up for adoption?
Are you going to hate me one day for my young and childish mistakes and choices?
All I ever wanted was for you to have the best of everything in life, and to be honest that was not me at the time, and most definitely not your father.
I wanted you to be safe, to not grow up in the pain,fear,misery, and dysfunction that I did. I wanted you to have a positive role model of a mother of a father and I...
How to cope with family
First and foremost, I love you. Not just because I'm obligated to because you're my brother, but I actually love the person you've become. I'm proud of you, and your dedication to everything you do. You are amazing!
With that being said, I absolutely hate being your sister. I hate being compared to you. I absolutely hate being inferior to you just because you're younger and already have your life planned.
So what? We took different paths. I wanted a family, and I know I didn't go about that the right way. But, I got my baby.
I'm happy with my life, but when compared to you, society isn't and I hate that. The looks I get from our family because I chose not to go for the career path immediately are so demeaning, and you'll never understand that.
You have always been seen so perfect...
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As I lay here watching our 4 month old sleep, with her hands above her head and her occasional snore, all I can think about is how deeply I pity you.
I pity you for the fact that you're missing out on this. Together, you and I created the absolute most amazing thing on the face of this earth. She is beautiful, and she is already so so smart. Not every day is perfect, and I can guarantee that no day is easy, but she makes absolutely every day worth living.
I pity you for the fact that you don't know how it feels for her eyes to light up as soon as she sees you. Sure, she'll giggle at you when you visit, and yes sometimes you can console her when she's not feeling well but, at the end of her very worst days, even if you tried to be there for her, she's going to want me.
I pity...
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You don't know me, we've never met.
Our sons are the same age, if we lived in the same town, they'd likely be classmates, maybe even friends.
I met your ex years after he abandoned you and your unborn son. I can only begin to imagine the hurt you had gone through. What little I know regarding your situation makes me hurt for you, and I feel immense guilt at the awareness that despite slipping so easily into the role of step up daddy to my own two children, he has never done the same for you and yours. We entered his life at a time he was making huge changes, one of which was to do right by you, to do right by your son. By being part of his life.
The guilt... Oh mama, the guilt... I watch my own sweet babes bio dad cause disappointment after disappointment. I see their little hearts...
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I remember loving you being so excited to see you. I was so young and so were they. The night you beat their mom and left was the last time we seen you, talked to you. The two girls were 3 and 5, your son was 8. They barely remember you. I've watched them sruggle with not having a father and it breaks my heart. I've watched them cry and seen the pain thier eyes for 12 years now. One of our friends got married on the fourth, the anniversary of the day you left. We were her bridesmaids, it was beautiful, we had a blast. Your youngest daughter asked me who would give her away at her wedding. And then the time came for her to dance with her father. I looked over to your oldest daughter and she was crying. She asked me who was gonna dance with her at her wedding, because she didnt have a dad....
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I just don't understand people. What happened to the days when people were considerate, kind and genuine? It appears as the years go by people become selfish, mean, cold, rude and self absorbed. Recently I opened the door for an older gentleman who yelled at me for being polite? I mean I couldn't believe I was yelled at because I wanted to be considerate. Most of the time I hold the door open or an elevator door open and I never get a thank you...most of the time the person has his or her head glued to their phone. I mean...really is it that serious? So frustrating.
Well, I can go on for days about why I am pissed off because it seems I'm in that mind frame a lot lately living her in lovely Califakenia...Oh I mean California...sorry.
I have a tale the tell that infuriates me to no end...
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I've been wondering the real feeling of being a parent. What i truly see nowadays that parents all over the world especially the Asians have always been competing their children's success. I think that's so sick. Parents are the one determining their children's future. And that's also sick. You must do that, be that, you must not do that, that's forbidden,i want you to be that because I've always wanted to be that, that's my ambition for such a very long time, you have to get A for that subject, you must not make me embarrassed and the list goes on and on. Why? I don't understand. Is it inheritance? Do our parents inherited those traits from the parents before them? So what's the purpose of living if you keeps on obeying things your parents want you to do? We keeps on obeying, neglecting...
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Hey Babygirl.
Mommy loves you so very much you know that right? As much as I wish you could be here, I know that the life you're living up there is far more beautiful than any life you could have lived here.
I think about you everyday, you know? When i wake up and even when I go to sleep. You're always on my mind mama.
Sometimes when I see babies that are the age you would be right now, I start picturing what you would have looked like. Of course I got pictures when you were in Mommy's tummy, but they can only show me so much when I feel sad.
I know sometimes I get sad, but it's not your fault. Actually none of this was your fault and If you ever get sad, I dont want you to think that it was, okay? You know how much Mommy loves you. I loved you before I even met you...
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Dear Mum and Dad,
Oh my! If you knew the mess I was in I honestly don't know what your reaction would be. My guess is there would be disappointment in your voice and sadness in your eyes. Your baby girl is not as innocent, honest and lovely as you think... I have made choices which are put simply, evil and immoral.
Two years go I fell head over heels in love. With a man ten years my senior, tall, dark, gorgeous. He paid me attention that nobody had ever given me before... I had always been the ugly one at school. The fat one. Funny as f*** but ugly, nevertheless. Everyone's friend but never a girlfriend.
Anyway, he paid me compliments about the way I looked, my wit, my intelligence... Day after day, I began to realise I was falling in love. I suppose its important to mention...
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