I hope you are reading this without anger or upset. I hope these words find you happy and well.
A difficult year this has been and it seems to me that whether the times be good or bad, my thoughts drift back to you. I fear they always will.
I am writing this as a thank you. Time was never our friend and nor will it ever be. We have both grown and move forwards in our lives and no matter how much I wish I could have had you to myself, I have come to terms with the fact it was never meant to be.
I find it strange that life could lend me an experience to fall in love with you so deeply with such little time together. Every memory I have makes me smile, even the ones where we disagreed, because it reminds me of the genuinity of the feelings I have, and I am so grateful for them. I experienced love in this way and it is nothing but a blessing, even from a girl who doesn't quite believe in anything.
Thank you making me feel beautiful and perfect. For every time you stood and looked at me, almost as if in awe. If I'd have seen myself in those moments I've have said I was glowing. We connected in a way that was unwavering and electric. Every time I saw you again was just like the first, something that I know you will agree is unique to us.
Neither of us are perfect and nor will we ever be. Us together would never have worked in the real world. I know that and I despise it. I know deep down all the hours and days that have been spent elsewhere because we haven't shared them together.
I am sorry for the mistakes I made. Anything and everything I did to make you jealous. To make you chase me. What I failed to realise what that you were held back in ways I could not understand, you could never have chased me even if you wanted to. Even less so now.
I will never stop thinking about you. And as much as I have hated that I was always second best, in a way, to the girl you chose and no doubt love, and to the girl you now love beyond any other understanding of the word; I appreciate whole heartedly that what we had was different. What we had was secret between us, untouched and in our own little bubble of happiness. I am grateful that it has and will always be this way.
If ever you doubt the love that surrounds you, if you ever question yourself in tough times in which I cannot physically be there, please, remember this. I will never waver. I will never resist. I haved loved you from the day we met, and will do so until my last.
My boy, when we're 50.
An open letter to the boy in the blue shorts and the man I fell in love with.