To the Admissions Office it may concern,
In reflection of the recently past college application season, I have encountered a plethora of bitter emotions in regards to college acceptances and denials, many directed towards the admissions departments and officers who held applicants’ hopes and dreams, and many my own. However, in my introspection, I have come to the conclusion that I was actually to blame the whole time, and would like to issue an open apology for any misgivings I had in our American collegiate admissions system.
I would like to begin by apologizing for my 3.89 unweighted grade point average, and 1520 point SAT score. Choosing to suffer from mental illness in the 8th grade and receiving a 79 in French 2 is certainly a valid reason for why I am not qualified to study at your institution, and a 98th percentile standardized test score is far too low for any consideration for admittance.
I would like to apologize for my poor work ethic. Even though my hairline began receding at the age of 15 and I can no longer sleep more than 6 conasecutive hours from stress, it was unreasonable for me to ease up on class load senior year. I am sorry for not risking my physical and emotional health in the pursuit of higher education.
I apologize for having the audacity to be born Chinese-American. Next time I will choose wiser, and perhaps be born a more useful minority for your diversity statistics.
I apologize for not being well-rounded enough in my extracurricular activities to demonstrate multidisciplinary ability. Four years of varsity sports and a decade’s worth of music is simply unacceptable. I should have popped out of the womb painting Picassos and dancing classical ballet- again, my mistake.
I realize now that I am entirely unqualified to be a student at your institution of higher learning. While the denial letter sent to me claimed that I "should not feel our decision reflects negatively on you,” or citing the “small size of our incoming freshman class,” you need not spare my feelings. I know now my mistakes, my shortcomings, and the limits of hard work and perseverance. Thank you for your time in reviewing my application, and may you have a blessed school year.