To the Love of my Life

Subject: To the Love of my Life
From: The girl who has to Let Go
Date: 7 Dec 2016

My love,

I want to start this letter by saying I absolutely love you.

I was in love with you for three years. Three years, almost to the day. For three years I struggled with desperately wanting you to love me back and desperately wanting to evict you from my heart.

I watched you fall in love, though it nearly killed me. I listened when you chose me (of all people) to talk to about your failing relationship. I listened, and cried, when you told me you can't let Her go because She is your "soulmate." I even believed you when you said you were enjoying being single. I believed you when you said you wanted me again.

But I can't do that anymore. I can't be your friend, your buddy, your lover, your "it's complicated", and I most certainly cannot be the girl you know you'll always have chasing you.

For three years, I floated in and out of relationships. I floated between hatred for you but also extreme admiration. I teared up when I saw that your dream came true. I hope all your dreams come true someday.

I can't explain my deep, deep love for you to anyone. Not my friends, not my family, not even myself. I shouldn't love you, but it seems as if I was born with you in my DNA. I will always love chocolate, I will always hate bananas and I will always have you in my bones.

I accept it. I accept that you are the love of my life.

But November was your final straw.

November was the last time you will ever hurt me. November was the last time you will ever have a conversation with me that includes smiles, winks, flirting, and laughter. November was the last time you will be granted the pleasure of calling me yours. Clearly, I was never your girlfriend. But I was always the girl who would've dropped everything for you in a second.

You probably noticed, but I cut you off. I won't say never again, but it will be a very, very long time before you hear from me again. Someday, I hope I can check up on you and smile. I hope you have a life full of everything you have worked for.

I wish I could be in your life. But I now see that if I am in your life, you are my life. I put the key to my happiness in your pocket. I confused all of my self-worth with your acceptance. I put you first. I put you before me. I put my feelings for you above my feelings for myself. And that isn't okay.

So, as hard as it may be, I don't respond when you snapchat me. I scroll past your social media updates.

This probably confuses you, but that is okay. It is my turn to be happy. It is my turn to love myself. It is my turn to move on from someone who controls me.

I cannot watch you rekindle your relationship with Her. I cannot respond to your snapchat in hopes you tell me you'll always love me, again, but do nothing about it.

I love you, and I know I will never meet another man who I love in the way that I love you, but I am moving on. I am moving on from toxic tears, from you pushing me away and pulling me back in. I am moving on from the kind of love you can only ever find once.

Sometimes we lose our soulmates, and that is okay. You were mine, so I am moving on.