I should have just put your name down since dad is a title that is earned, not just handed down on a silver plate.
But whatever....dear dad,
It's me....your eldest daughter, who is breaking as she writes this. You told me that you hate God for giving you a daughter like me and you wish I was never born. So why didn't you give me up when I was in mum's womb? Why didn't you let me die when my heartbeats were weak in the womb? Oh and dad...I didn't ask to be born nor did I ask to be your daughter.
For a daughter, their father is their superhero, their first love, their knight in shining charming...but dad, you've been kind of my superhero but you've also been my heart breaker. I have had a lot of crushes and some have treated me badly, but that's nothing compared to the fact that the man who wasn't supposed to break my heart broke my heart first.
Till last night when you had a go at me for writing a story and deleting it in my email drafts because apparently I knew you were on my emails, you never said a word to me except regarding school or to do chores. About the email draft that had a little bit of a family story written down, I didn't dad. I was in one room and you was in the other room. You even turned mum against me and still wanted to believe what you were saying, because....I lied before and you think that I am always in the wrong because you're the man of the house!
But last night was not the reason why you broke my heart first. You broke my heart every time you yelled at me, accused me of stuff I didn't do and sometimes I became the punching bag. I shiver everytime you're around me, my heart beats fast and I feel uneasy because I know your temper very well.
I know dad, that you are not proud of me. I yearn to hear 'I'm proud of you' from your mouth but all I hear is 'why can't you be like this person'. I know you much rather have a child who is clever and smart and has the perfect looks and body and gets all straight As....I am not that child. I struggle with learning, I don't have the perfect looks and my self eestem is zero...because of you and mum. You both never told me that you were proud of me, you made me feel like a servant and a mistake in your life. You told me that I was ugly, a failure, worthless and you hate me.
At least someone in my life has the guts to tell me that they hate me.
I will never have the guts to say all of this to you in real life, but...thanks for bringing the voice in my head. The voice in my head is there always and it's because of you. Because you and mum broke me and shattered me into pieces.
However, I know that I have hurt you too. I started hiding things because you distance yourself from me except when you needed a punching bag. I got the attitude and the guts to stand up to you because I guess I have your genes. I hate it when people say I am like my dad, because I don't want to be like you dad. I don't want to have the same anger issues like you. I get scared when I get angry because I am scared to turn into you.
I guess I want to say sorry. Sorry for lying at times. Sorry for hiding things. Sorry for being a bad daughter. Sorry for not being the child that you wanted me to be. I can only hope that one day we can pick up the pieces of our broken relationship and try to glue them together.
But I also hope one day, you say sorry to me....the day might never come but I have hope.
Right now I am praying to God for you to forgive me and for mum to also love me again. I am praying that you two will love me a little. But I am sorry for being the worst. I love you guys. I love you dad though you stomped on my heart....I hope you love me back too and I hope one day, you realise that you broke me.
Your broken-hearted daughter