An open letter to my best friend.

Subject: An open letter to my best friend.
From: Your Jasmine
Date: 27 Mar 2023

I hope this letter finds you well. I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude for our friendship. You used to be a constant source of support and laughter in my life, and I am truly grateful for all the memories we have created together. I am grateful for you and the love you have given me. Thank you, my love.

What I'm about to say is something you already know but I just want to say it for the very last time. Over time, my feelings towards you have grown beyond friendship. I have been struggling with these feelings since the first time I laid my eyes on you, and I am finally ready to tell you the truth once again - I am in love with you.

I never expected you to feel the same way. I value our friendship too much to jeopardize it in any way. I just wanted to be honest with you and let you know how I feel again, for the very last time.

I can't help but think about all the times I've thought of you over the years. You were the one that got away, the one who always lingered in my thoughts, even though we went our separate ways. t's been a while since we last spoke, but I want you to know that I still remember the moments we shared together. I remember the long conversations we had, the jokes we shared, and the memories we created.

I still remember the first time I met you. You were the first girl who stole my heart. I remember the way your smile lit up the entire LCBA gym, the sound of your laugh, your tantalizing eyes that caught my attention and the way you made me feel confused about how I actually felt towards you. Was it admiration or was it love?

No wonder why almost the entire men population in that gym that day got smitten with you. Everybody was talking about you. How gorgeous you were and how lucky your boyfriend was to have you. You were the most beautiful girl that day. Being distracted by your beauty led me to question myself numerous time. I remember staring at you the entire volleyball game. I couldn't help myself. It's just like my eyes were made to look at you and only at you that day and for the rest of my life.

You are smart, talented, and beautiful, and it's no surprise that so many people have had and still have a crush on you. You are an individual with your own thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. You deserve to be seen and appreciated for who you are, beyond just your physical appearance or the attention you receive from others.

Your name is as sweet as your face, Mary Grace. The only name that my heart has been shouting for. The name that my mind kept remembering since the day I heard it for the very first time. The name I want to suddenly remember when I can no longer remember things due to oldness. The name that is tattooed in my heart forever.

I had been questioning myself about how I felt but I couldn't find any answers. I had had so many sleepless nights thinking about you. I couldn't erase your beautiful face in my head and it just kept on popping out. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach every time you crossed my mind. I couldn't forget how you made me feel. I couldn't forget you. That strange feeling, I felt it with you and only with you. It was unexplainable yet so pure. I was extremely happy just by thinking about you. The happiness I never felt for anybody else.

I wanted to be close to you. I wanted to be your friend and so I did. I did whatever it takes just to get to know you. I had waited a year just to see you again and when I did, I was so happy. I got to see the girl who had been in my mind for an entire year again. The girl who stole my heart and never gave it back.

I played well so you could notice me. I tried my best just to impress you and so that you could pay attention to me. Sadly, you didn't look even once. It was so painful that I could hear my heart beating so slow. I couldn't breathe. The feeling was worse than my first heart break with a guy. It was intense. It was heart wrenching. That moment I knew something was different. I was different. Was I in love? Or was I just trying to deny and hide the fact that I felt love not with a guy but with a girl?

Our team lost and your team won. I got to hold your hand once again. It was so soft. Our eyes met for a second and I could feel inside me the undeniably feeling of affection and satisfaction. I was ready to embrace you but didn't get the chance to. You hadn't changed a bit. You still got the face of an angel.

Minutes later, your coach offered me to be a part of your team. I had never felt so happy in my life when I heard that. "Am I dreaming?" I even told myself. Some of my team mates were more deserving than me and so I kept asking myself "Bakit ako?" Overtime, I had realized bakit nga ba ako. It's because that's the way God has made for us to meet and to be in each other's lives. That specific day, that specific moment is the most unforgettable thing that has ever happened in my life except the day I first met you.

Now it's my chance to introduce myself and to be close to you. I got your number from someone and I started texting you. You were the first person I got close to among our team mates. I was happy, genuinely happy. The happiness I had never felt for anybody else. By then I was still confused as to what I was actually feeling so I just let things happen the way it should.

I had always admired your kindness, intelligence, sweetness and beauty from afar. Every time we talked or interacted, I felt like I am the luckiest person in the world. Your smile brightened up my day, and your laughter filled me with joy. Even the way you carried yourself with such grace and confidence was mesmerizing to me.

Days turned into months. I was slowly figuring out myself and the way I felt towards you. I could notice the change in my heart. My feelings was growing so strong and fast that I couldn't stop it anymore. I would feel so excited going to Saint Benilde for training because I would get to see you. I could notice myself smiling looking at your texts full of encouragement and I love yous. I could feel my face turning red every time you were hugging or kissing me. I could feel my knees trembling and my heart pounding whenever you were close to me. I got jealous whenever someone was being sweet to you or you being sweet to them.

That's the time I realized what I felt for you wasn't a kind of love that was supposed to feel for a friend. It was a kind of love that I knew that's gonna last forever. The kind of love I knew I would never feel for anybody else. 11 years later, I was right because no one has made me feel like you did. Yes, I was and still in love with you.

I still remember the nights we would hide under our blankets just to chitchat during our training days in Central 1. I can still remember how we used to stay late at night just to talk about our dreams and how we included one another in each other's dream. I can still remember the way you looked at me while sharing your thoughts and there I was, looking at you passionately thinking of kissing you. I am grateful for spending those days with you. I at least got to experience to sleep beside you, eat with you, laugh uncontrollably with you and cry with you. Things I wish to happen again. Things I am not sure if can happen again.

People would think of us more than just friends because of how close we were to each other. Oh how I wish we really were. You would ignore them and I would laugh so hard and loud so that you wouldn't notice that the butterflies were continuously flying in my stomach and my heart was beating so fast.

I still remember the times we were walking and I would intentionally walk slow so that you'd turn around to me and hold my hand. I won't forget this line of yours, "Gusto pa hahawakan kamay eh" By then I thought you already knew and you could already feel my feelings towards you and so I walked away slowly from you. I spent time hanging out and talking to other people.

But then, whenever I noticed something was wrong with you or you felt unwell because of your scoliosis, I would find myself running back to you. That's when I realized that I should set aside what I felt because you needed me. Even when times your mood changed quickly, I stayed. Even when times you wanted me away from you even without saying it, I stayed. Even so many times you wouldn't even notice my presence, I stayed. Not because I had feelings for you but because that's what a great best friend should do. I'll never regret staying and always coming back to you whenever you feel like leaving because I loved you and I still do.

Those two nights we slept together at your house I actually couldn't sleep well. I knew, that wouldn't happen again for a very long time because STCAA was already over. We would have to go back to our normal life. Your normal life without me in it. Diba nga, I was just your "stcaa best friend". Those nights I had so many realizations. That you were indeed the first girl I have ever fallen in love with and that you weren't just a best friend to me. Those three days I had stayed at your home my feelings grew stronger. Why? Because I could feel your sincerity and genuineness towards me. You let me borrow your things, you took care of me. You made sure I was okay and not unhappy. You would encourage and comfort me. I could feel your love. Your love that made me love you even more.

I kissed you on your right cheek while you were still asleep, It was 7 in the morning. The sun had risen up. the sunlight was already touching your beautiful face. The blanket was covering your entire body and there I was staring at you. I am not sure if you know about that but I want you to know that I didn't take advantage of you. If I did, I would have kissed you on the lips. I did that out of gratitude for everything you had done for me. Cheek kiss is a social gesture to indicate friendship, show gratitude and show respect.

I am writing this letter to apologize for leaving you without any explanation. I know that my sudden departure has caused you pain and confusion, and for that, I am truly sorry.

When I left, I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I felt like I needed to prioritize my own well-being and self-respect. However, I realize now that I should have communicated my feelings and concerns with you. I should have given you the respect of a proper explanation and closure.

My love for you hasn’t changed a bit. I can’t un love you no matter how hard I try. You were, you are, and you will always be the love of my life. Even though, I know you will never return the feelings back. I am still hoping to see you once again. Hoping to finally say how I feel in front of you while looking at your gorgeous face. Hoping to embrace you for the very last time and finally close the chapter in my life that has you in it.

I don’t know if you still think about me, all I know is that no single day that you don’t cross my mind. I guess true love does exist. At least in my life. You are my true love, my greatest love and the one that got away. All kind of love, you name it. That’s you, always been you and will always be you. You probably are in a better place now. I can finally see the contentment and happiness in your eyes. The happiness I wish I could give you.

I am happy because I am certain there’s already someone who’s taking care of you and loving you the way I know I can never do. I wish nothing but the best for you, my love. Even though I was never sure if you had returned my feelings back, you had at least made me feel like it and that’s more than enough. The feeling of being loved by you is the most precious thing I’ve ever experienced in this lifetime.

I want to thank you for making me the happiest person on earth even just for a short time. I will never forget you and the memories we have built and shared together. I know everything is happening for a reason. God knows and I’ll just leave it to him. Whatever happens, happens. I just hope that if something bad happens, you reach out to me. I hope you remember to reach out to me. I don’t want to disturb nor bother you anymore, so I won’t chat you ever again even if sometimes I’m eager to because I miss you badly. I have made a promise of not bothering you and have told you I would disappear forever. I don’t want to break it just like how I broke my promise of not leaving you years ago.

I’ve caused you so much pain. One long message isn’t enough for you to forgive me, I know. And so, I am also certain combing back to you just because I miss you isn’t enough. I know I have to pay for what I’ve done. That’s why I also know why you haven’t responded back. I know you’re not ready to talk to me again. I respect that. I’m glad you’re finally choosing yourself. I hope the one who’s owning your heart right now never takes you for granted. I hope he loves you until his last breath. Wishing you a happy and healthy family. I love you so much and it hurts.

You'll probably never going to see and read this. I have promised to send this to you once you reach out to me again. And if you don't, I am afraid this letter will just be written and never be read by you. Only me and God know this love I have for your exists. Only him will ever know how I truly feel by now if you don't reach out to me. Will you reach to me? Will we ever see each other again?

Leaving you without any notice was not fair to you, and I regret my actions. I understand that I hurt you, and I want to make things right. Please understand that it was not done out of a lack of love or care for you. Rather, it was a decision that I made for myself, out of a need to protect my own self-respect and well-being.

Please know that I still care deeply for you and that I cherish the time we spent together. I hope that someday we can find a way to move forward and heal any wounds that may have been created.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and I hope that we can find a way to mend any broken bridges between us.