Blowing off steam, my depression

Subject: Blowing off steam, my depression
From: Faith
Date: 2 Jun 2015

I am a 20-year-old guy from Croatia, and I’m a metalhead, gamer, son, boyfriend, brother, grandson and a friend.

That pretty much sums me up.

So, lately I've been feeling depressed. Several reasons to that.

I am about to become a college dropout. My parents literally said they are disappointed in me, because they expected me to be a successful student. This expectation is based on the fact that I passed elementary school and high school without ever opening a book. I mean ever. I have an IQ of 145, think that means I'm in the upper 2% of all people or something. Okay, so I'm intelligent, but I don't have the habit of studying, I don’t know how to study.

I’m the first year of college: I failed 4 out of 8 classes. My parents spent $1,000 for me to try again, and now, I haven’t moved an inch. I haven’t passed any of the classes I didn’t pass the previous year, nor a single one out of 5 classes of the second-year content.

My parents say they are disappointed in me to my face. I’m sure some of you know how much that truly hurts a person.

So far in my life I haven’t accomplished much. I passed high school and now I’m an economist. That’s not really an achievement these days. That’s all I achieved in my life. And now I fear to tell my parents that I’m dropping out.

I know they want the best for me and have their expectations that, sadly, I can’t satisfy.

Two months back I hit my low point. All I did was eat, sleep and play games. I was considering suicide. I thought my life wasn’t worth living and that I was nothing more but a burden to everyone around me.

I still feel like I haven’t done anything to justify my existence, that I am nothing. I am afraid for my future. Will I find a job when I drop out of college? Will I be able to afford to rent a place to live? Will I be able to afford a car, food and drink to live? What will happen to me?

Those are the questions going on in my head. I am afraid of what’s in my future.

I’ve cried more in the last 2 days then in the whole period from 18-20 years of age. I guess it really hit me in the heart.

The only thing good in my life is my girlfriend. The only person that fully understands and supports me. The light in the dark. She makes me feel worth something. She makes me feel like I matter, making someone happy.

Anyway, my message to all the people like me, feeling worthless and useless: you’re not. All seems bad now, but I still have hope all will be okay, that all will turn out good.

I am Faith, and thank you for letting me blow it out here.