Why Today?

Subject: Why Today?
From: The Woman
Date: 12 Jan 2021

My Dearest Love,

Despite the fact that I have not thought of you more often than usual in the past weeks, you have consumed my waking energy this night. You come to mind in a fleeting and familiar way everyday, of course, as those you have loved and lost often do. But tonight is not the same shadowy absence, the cold, comforting wisp that breathes over interspersed moments. Tonight, it is as if I can feel you on the block, and if I only went for a walk, I would find you settled on a rock down the way, watching the stars.

Tonight, the feeling of a safe and gentle quiet that only you have ever given me has crept over me in a way that inspires deep and incomprehensible emptiness. Your laugh echoes faintly in my ears while memories of your gentlemanly demeanor and sideways smile flicker across my eyes. Your captivating mind and heart full of wanderlust call out to me for conversation and adventure in faint whispers. All of this, of course, is just my pain personified into the wrinkles of this reality. You are not here.

It is unclear to me why, on this winters evening, I feel that I cannot get warm without the strength and love of your embrace. It is unclear to me why there's a cacophony of voices from snippets of our conversations in my head. You do not love me anymore, thus you would not come back. Or, that is what you told me over a year ago, a quiver in your voice and tears in your eyes. You told me that you lost sleep at the thought of leaving me, yet you were compelled to do so nonetheless. I am no less confounded now than I was then. You, a man of honor and nobility, breaking your every vow and simply walking away.

Perhaps it is a lack of satisfaction with the current reality that keeps calling me back to you. Still, I go over every detail of our last moments in my mind, wondering where it all went wrong. It is entirely possible that I was the reason for our demise, though you claimed I was perfect in every way up and unto the day you left the state. Though, I failed you in many ways, and I would be a fool not to see them. And, though I have said it before, I will say it again- I am truly, utterly sorry. You deserved to be comforted every night when you returned home from a long day of labor. You deserved someone who saw your needs and met them without you having to voice the request. You deserved someone who did not hesitate to take your hand and joyfully dance in the rain with you, overwhelmed by the joy of simply being in your arms. You deserved to have every sentence spoken to you laced with honey, voiced gently with respect and love. You deserved all of this and more because being yours was all of the happiness I ever needed in this world. Loss, grief, and pain blinded me to the beauty of the second most perfect gift this life could offer, your companionship, and that blindness resulted in your loss too.

I do not know where you are now. I do not know if you still take hazelnut in your coffee of if you still sleep on your back, tightly bound in blankets, arms crossed like the pharaohs of old. I am unaware of whether you ever perfected your morning routine, cleaning up with a straight razor, or if you still listen to the engrossing melodies of Sleeping at Last. Wherever you are, whoever you are with, and whatever you are doing, I hope that you are perfectly and incandescently happy. I hope that you watch as many sunrises as you can possibly stand to catch. I hope that you get to pursue every project that we could not afford to finance together. I hope that you have a dear friend to play strategy games with. I hope that the love of the good Lord above abounds in your life daily. I hope that you and your family are safe, and I hope that your burden is light.

Remember that I always have loved you and wanted the best for you. This being true even if I could not give you the best in the far-too-short time we shared on this beautiful and broken world. And, if by some incredible happenstance you are actually the one who finds and reads this, remember that you will always have a place with me.

All of my love,
The Woman