Releasing my pain. Trying to vanquish the demons

Subject: Releasing my pain. Trying to vanquish the demons
Date: 18 Aug 2019

I just want some peace knowing that the truth is out there. How sometimes no matter how hard you try doesn’t guarantee it’ll matter. And how damaging it is when people that should care about you don’t.
My beautiful daughter is disabled with a very rare and dangerous form of epilepsy and I have about the worst stage of CVID along with MS, Graves’ disease, rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, migraines, etc. etc. It’s still hard for me to believe all of it.
Infusions of antibodies keep me alive. My husband works his you know what off to bring in money, but One round of my infusions cost as much if not more than a really good used car. I have to do this twice a month. This does not cover any of my other meds or my daughters. Nor does it cover food shelter utilities etc. As I’m sure you could imagine we’re constantly loosing shelter often starving and the stress makes constantly makes our medical situations a lot worse. We’re loosing our home again. We simply don’t have the means to even remotely close to make it. That is if I want to pay for my meds to survive. And, I think if my daughter wasn’t so young let alone dealing with her epilepsy, we wouldn’t spend our every last cent on keeping me alive.
But, because the inevitable happened again, I don’t know if I can survive it again. Although, I’ve defied the odds over and over and somehow manage to hang on. I think it’s my love for my daughter and husband that helps me somehow pull back to life.
I need peace knowing that what my parents are and what they did is at least out there, so someone may know the truth about them. The perfect personas that Laverne and William Auksi work so hard to portray is far from the truth. Things that I can’t let go of that burn in my soul and I need peace.
My Aunt Urve was about the kindest most loving person you could meet. She’d accept you know matter what and she could undoubtedly find the good in anything and in anyone. My mother, Laverne, called me one afternoon to tell me that my dad, William, found her passed out in her townhouse, but that he left her because she was just drunk and depressed and needed to sleep it off. I thought this was crazy because drunk and depressed was not my Aunt, but as the total idiot, fool, and dummy I was then I accepted that what they said was true. My brain wouldn’t allow me to think that what they said wasn’t true. The next day I went there and when she didn’t answer, some common sense kicked in and I told my parents they better get over there to let me in. She was clearly dying. I called 911 immediately. She was rushed to the hospital where she died a few days later. Ultimately the cause was ovarian cancer but had she not been left on the floor for 24hrs in her own squalor with no fluids, I wonder if the outcome would have been different. If she would have been able to be with if longer. I miss her so much. I don’t know why they chose to leave her suffering. And I’m so sorry. I believed them initially. I shouldn’t have.
Not long after I become seriously sick. Because of my daughters seizures my husband and I asked that my father take me to urgent care so my husband could stay with my daughter. He did and I was ambulanced to the hospital. I was myself now dying with sepsis and septic shock. My organs were failing my husband was constantly calling the hospital scared out of his mind because he couldn’t come to be there with me because of my daughters seizures. He felt somewhat better knowing my dad was at least there for me until one of the nurses asked him on the phone that don’t we have any family that cares and could be there with me? Because this may be it. My dad had left because he and my mother wanted to go to my sisters late Christmas celebration. By the grace of God and sometime in the ICU, I pulled out of it, with a lot of organ damage, but I pulled out of it.
Eventually the doctors figured out I had CVID and that was the evil causing my severe sicknesses. Unfortunately it went on probably my whole life being that I was always getting seriously ill as long as I could remember. It going on without treatment for so many years is what has put my life in such a grave status. I wish my parents had cared enough to investigate why I was always getting so sick when I was little. Then I wouldn’t have ever if been in this bad of shape today. It was just easier for them to ignore the possibility of something being seriously wrong. And I just believed that there was no explanation for my chronic illnesses. It was my husband that wouldn’t accept it and demand we got answers toting me to dozens of doctors until we did get to the root of the evil for me, CVID.
My parents did help us a lot financially when I was first diagnosed. Every single time trying to make us feel guilty always saying this is the last time. As if we were junkies getting our fix totally ignoring that both my daughters and my meds are life or death. That these weren’t luxuries for us. They were necessary for survival. However they always made it known we should be ashamed asking for help to survive. When I had my cancer scare, I had to scream and cry and beg that I didn’t want to die for them to finally help us with the money twords getting us through that surgery. With CVID if I didn’t take care of it immediately that would have quickly of been my finish too.
My parents didn’t even tell me about my Uncles funeral until it was too late to go. I think because of their embarrassment of our medical conditions that make my daughter and I inferior. I do believe that our death will be a relief to them because we’re the dirty secrets that they’ll no longer need to hide.
I want people to know that before our medical situations were so costly and dire, we did give my parents thousands and thousands dollars, free cars, and whatever we could. We just liked taking care of our family. And not just them, we’d help anyone we could. We were very wealthy for a short time before the medical stuff drained us. That’s also when they loved us so much. No concept of unconditional. They should never of had kids.
A little less than a year ago, we were loosing our home once again. Please understand that no matter what you do it’s almost impossible to survive our bills. We were told to get rid of our pets including my daughters service dog, which in itself was cruel because he’d help alert people to her seizures coming. My parents said then they would let us stay there even though the disdain they had for us. I guess needing help even if it’s for medical things beyond your control makes you awful. In my parents eyes it makes you weak pathetic and a waste. My husband and I tried to make it sound happy and fun for my daughters sake who was already scared of loosing her doggie protector. A few days before we were supposed to come they changed their mind. Refused us, refused even just our daughter, their little granddaughter (just until we could find a safe place for her), and even refused us to bring her stuff there to put in a basement they don’t even go in, preventing her from loosing everything. I’m sure any reasonable person could imagine how bad my daughters seizures got from the total rejection of grandparents that she thought loved her. She was loosing everything and we were desperately trying to save her from the total shit of life. We even tried pretending my parents were sick so she wouldn’t feel it personally. She is wiser and more intuitive than most adults, and she knew the truth, but but she played along for my husband and I because she didn’t want us to hurt from her feeling hurt. That’s the most miraculous beautiful pure angel of a girl that they turned their back on. The explanation I was given was they like their schedules and routines and they didn’t want that disrupted.
I recently reached out to my parents again asking if our daughter could go there to save her from another eviction. They didn’t even respond.
As a warning to Anyone who knows them, especially my Mom, should beware of the awful things she says about them. If you know her, you know she talks about people so realize you’re one of them when you’re not around. Be careful of what you say by them, unless you don’t care, of course.
Like I said in the beginning. We’re being evicted again. And because I really don’t know how much more I can take before this once and for all kills me. I will always try to survive though because of my daughter and husband. I wanted some peace. Peace in people knowing it didn’t have to be like this. People knowing that family could have saved us but didn’t want to bother. We are not low life’s who don’t pay our bills. We try, always try so hard. We fight like hell to survive. We’ve had doctors and lawyers even say there would be no way they could swing our medical bills. My husband not only works his ass off to bring in money so we can survive but then also has all the homemaker duties when I’m not well too. I cannot even contribute because of my medical conditions. Yet he doesn’t blame me or my daughter for our life or lack of life. I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful my daughter will have someone with his character in her life.
And I really hope everyone in this hard world have people or at least someone to really care about them in their life even through the rough.
It’s sort of funny, my dads mother, my Vanamama, used to say that everyone will stick by you when things are good but what really shows true character is who sticks by you when things are hard. I wonder what she would have thought about her son. I know she wouldn’t be too happy.