As I sit down to type this, please know that my heart is heavy. I've been meaning to write this for some time now and did not have the guts or the confidence to do so. But here I am, the day before mother's day, prepared to speak directly to you.
I am angry. I am so very angry with you. You had everything and you blew it. I don't even know why. You chose yourself over everyone else in your life. Always. You always did. I spent the better half of my life trying so hard to be nothing like you, only to wake up and realize I never was anything like you to begin with.
You see, I was an addict too. I've known pain worse than you ever have. You know this and so do I. You know my life was utter hell. Hell, mom. You realize that, don't you? You know the hand you played in that and I don't think you'd ever deny me the right to say so. You never eased my pain. You only fueled my addiction. You SUPPLIED my drug habit. Do you understand how insane that is? You were my mother. You were supposed to protect me. Scold me. Beat me, even. But you didn't.
My entire life, I watched you act like a maniac. You wanted attention so terribly but never did anything positive to receive it. You were a self-entitled brat. You still are. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I must be frank. I have to be. It's the only way for me to let this go.
I am nearly 26 years old and I am JUST NOW gaining self esteem. You verbally and emotionally assaulted me every single day of my life. I was a child, mother. A child. The only thing positive I ever remember you saying to me is that I was "such a grateful child". I'll have you know, I'm still a grateful young woman. Thank you for seeing that in me.
I watched you go in and out of rehab. I watched you run the roads. I watched you destroy relationships, sanity, self esteems, and families. My step-dad won't even speak to me now because I am blood of your blood. I loved him, mom. I really did. You tried to make me think he was a terrible person, but he never was. Look at what you did to him. Look at what you did to my childhood home. Look at what you did to my once beautiful mother. Look at what you did, mom.
I have been cleaning up the messes I've made, one by one, in my life. I'd love nothing more than to have parents to tell me they are proud of me. To hug me. To say, "good job!". But you know who I have to tell me that? Myself. And the wonderful friends I have made along the way.
Do you have any idea what it's like to not have family? I'm sure you do. But the difference in you and I is that I was a child, I didn't do anything in the world to deserve losing my parents who are still living. Nothing. Did you ever stop to think of how hard it is for me? How hard I am trying to do well in my life and what it's like to have no support system whatsoever? What would happen if I had a flat tire on the way to school or work? Who would I call for help? Not you. I don't even know how to get in touch with you. Where am I supposed to go for the holidays? Who am I supposed to spend Mother's day with? You brought me into this world and you abandoned me for yourself. Thanks a whole lot. I never asked to be here.
My siblings never asked to be here either. My brother and I are fine. We are adults. We have to do what we have to do to survive, but what you are currently doing to our sister is absolutely unforgivable. She's not even out of high school. I wonder if you'll be too high to make it to her graduation. How's she going to pay for college? Who's going to help her move in to her dorm? Not you. Remember that time when she was in junior high and you didn't show up to do your own child's hair for a pageant because you wanted to party? I do. So does she. Remember that time you left a rig in her car? We do. This topic gets me hot, so I'll stop while I'm ahead. You put her in danger by being who you are. I am absolutely disgusted. DISGUSTED.
I want you to know that I'm over it. I have come to terms with the fact that I am on my own. That I don't have immediate family. That I can't "go home to mom and dad". That I can't call you for help. I want you to know that I am doing so well in life that I have outright shocked myself. And I did it all by myself. I never needed fifteen trips to rehab like you did. I never need a suicide attempt or three for attention. No, I bucked up, owned my mistakes, got MYSELF off of drugs, and jumped into life head first. I work full time and go to school full time. I'm finally happy with me and SO proud of myself, no thanks to you.
Despite all of the things above, I want to thank you. Thank you for bringing me into this world. I sincerely love being on earth. I love life. I love myself. I'm grateful to exist. I'm in love with my journey and will walk it with my head held high. I'm a survivor, remember? I will soar, despite you. You just watch.
An Open Letter to My Mother, The Addict.