An Open Letter to My Best Friends Boyfriend

Subject: An Open Letter to My Best Friends Boyfriend
Date: 4 Feb 2016

Dear BFFB:

Hi there.

We're going to jump right in and save ourselves the awkward introduction. Ok? Ok. Buckle up!

First, you aren't good enough for her. Now don't get me wrong, I think you're a pretty decent guy. You make her smile and for that I am thankful. I mean no disrespect to you when I say this, I'm just stating the facts. If you disagree and think you are good enough for her, then you DEFINITELY are not. The only man worthy of such a woman will never believe he's good enough, because he will be in awe of her. As he should be. If this isn't you, please don't let the door hit you on the way out. God bless.

If you're still reading, I'll assume you're smart enough to know you're NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Let's continue, shall we?

Second, she will always be loving and supportive. It's who she is. She will never demand that you stop spending too much time drinking with your buddies, or help her around the house when she's tired, or treat her like the princess she is when you're slacking. She's not demanding, and she loves you. This is why I'm here. She is the sweet, loving soul that you dream about. I am the crazy, violent guardian that is not afraid to kneecap you should you make her sad. I'm not speaking in metaphors here. I mean literal kneecapping. Violent. I have references. Treat her right. Give her what she gives you. I'll be your biggest fan, if so. Otherwise....prepare for those crutches. You'll need them.

Third, we are a package deal. You're probably thinking by now "How the hell do I get rid of this chick?" Not happening, Captain. Stay in line and you'll be thankful for me. I'm the voice of reason that reminds her when she's overreacting to something and saves you from one of "the talks." I'm the one that calms her down when she's REALLY mad at you, and reminds her that she loves you and should talk to you about whatever it is that's bothering her (after making sure it's not an offense that means I have to kill you). I'm the one that makes her take some girl time to relax and do girly things, so you can do bro stuff like play with balls and compare junk sizes or whatever you men do. I will be your greatest asset in this relationship as long as you deserve it. If not, I will flatten you like a Patriots football.

Lastly, my only hope is for her to be happy. If YOU make her happy, I will love you too. She deserves all the love and happiness in the world, and my biggest wish is that she has found that with you. BUT (you knew that was coming) if you veer from this path or hurt her in any way, you've been forewarned that there are dire consequences. I'm mean and I'm creative, thanks to my love of all things horror. I can think of 20 ways to make you cry right off the bat (in fact, at least 10 of them involve a bat) and I'm not afraid to practice what I preach. Have fun, enjoy the benefits of having such a wonderful woman in your life....but keep in mind I'm always watching. Always.


Her Best Friend

PS: Broken kneecaps are horrifically painful. Just saying.