Today I received a text message from my step-children’s mom. I expect a phone call tonight.
I expect. That phrase alone makes me blood boil. You expect a phone call. From your kids. Who were abused. Who are now going back to you because of a judge’s unethical decision.
I have lived and breathed custody cases for the last 6 years. A decision was made yesterday that destroyed my entire belief system. My wonderful, beautiful, smart, and sensitive, physically and sexually abused in your care, step children whom I have cared for with open heart while caring for my own, are being sent back to you. You who denied the abuse for three years. You who fought us every step of the way when we asked for them to remain in a safe environment. I responded by asking for an apology. The texts I received after don’t even come close. I know you believe that nothing happened. You think we were the bad guys. You hate my husband. You want to start over and have a clean slate. You want to know why we couldn’t communicate our fears to you. You want us to apologize to you. You want to know how I have a successful co-parenting relationship? I’ll tell you. I cannot express what I want to you, because you take everything to court and will use it against us and it's more of a headache. I wish people could talk to you without fear of legal repercussion.
He did his job as a dad to protect his children in a situation that no-one should ever be in, especially not people who did not ask to be in this world in the first place, and who rely on their parents to protect them and make it better. My co-parenting works because we know that the child we made deserves the best. Keeping the children away from my husband or his family was not the best. Yes, you did ok by allowing them to come for more than the 2 weeks you granted in the divorce three years ago. The divorce you pushed through without sending him notice of paperwork, knowing he was active duty and could not just show up. The situation they came from was not okay. But I am going to tell you something and I want you to take it to heart. Keep your mind open and your heart accepting of this next statement.
What the children needed in the beginning was a mom who put her emotions aside and said “okay, I may hate the guy now, but I liked him enough to make and have children with him. That means that they deserve every opportunity to be in his life even if I am dead set against it.” That includes not limiting him so badly that he could not be in their lives. 2 weeks at summer, not allowed out of the state with your permission, every other Christmas if you say, no legal rights, no educational rights, all expenses paid for any visitation by him, any extraordinary expense including school needs, sports, and medical expenses not covered by his insurance, and daycare allotments also paid monthly plus child support, no phone contact, no emails, throwing away presents and cards we sent, is not okay. These last few months where you had limited visitation and phone contact was hard? Try three years and only three visits all under 10 days, 2 phone calls a year if that worked in your schedule. Then let me know if that is hard. Are you understanding his side yet? You want what’s best for the kids? Go above and beyond to make it easy for the other parent. Why? Because the children will love and respect you more in ways you can’t imagine. I have an amazing relationship with mine because I put the dad’s needs, work, family, and rights ahead of my own. Mine can even go to grandparents, or other family if he isn’t available if that is what is wanted. I have a strong bond that will never be broken. Is it hard? ABSOLUTELY!!!! I want memories for myself to. But that’s selfish. Doing what is right is hard. You choose this life and to have children. If they must go back to you, utilize and give them every opportunity to see parents, grandparents, and any other resource to blossom and become strong adults. You are lucky. You have a dad who went above and beyond to protect his children when he didn't have to. He has and always will be there to protect them and give them the best he can. How many people are that lucky? As for the apology, if you cannot find it in your heart to give us one, at least apologize to the kids for not protecting them for the last three years, and being the parent that they deserved.
The people that suffer the most out of a custody situation are the ones who cannot speak for themselves and find themselves pulled in both directions trying to please both sides.
I expect that you will let them be in that situation again. I expect you will fail again, and again. I expect that it will be too late for the kids when you finally realize you are not a good parent. I expect that I will never have faith in any judicial system ever again. I expect that this country will fail its weakest over and over. I expect that the rights so many people die for and fight for will be for nothing if this is what happens when people exercise those rights. I expect nothing from you. Lastly, I expect you will receive a phone call because what I can expect, is to expect to be the best parent even when I don’t want to be.
