Open letter to the man who took my virginity

Subject: Open letter to the man who took my virginity
From: Rush
Date: 31 May 2016
An open letter to the "man" who used me, and left. I do not know why I am writing this letter. Maybe out of hope that it will stop the constant voices in my head. Or the constant wondering. Or the crying I do when I am forced to think of you. Maybe its in hope that you will come across it someday, see the name and know its me, your rush. Or maybe, I'm just writing it out of pure loneliness. No matter how much I write, I can not explain to you the amount of pain I am going through, I can not even explain it to myself. I knew this was a risk. I knew we were not together. I knew we were not in love. All I knew, is that I wanted you, I needed you, I clung to you. I trusted you. And I hoped. I hoped that those times you mentioned a future, us living together, being together when I was old were all true. I guess that was a stupid thing to do. Its been a month now since I have heard from you. Its been a month since you kissed my lips and whispered to me that I was beautiful. Its been a month since you left me hanging in mid-air. You left me without feeling. Without anything to give. Because I fell for you. I fell for the empty words. And the silent unspoken promises and hopes of a future with you. I fell for it. I lived in the moment and bathed in the happiness I felt with you. In a blink of an eye, everything has changed. What happened? You use to talk about craving my presence. You talked about a future when I was old enough to live with you. What happened, please just tell me, Tell me you are sorry. Tell me there is a reason tell me anything. Was it me..? Did I do something wrong. Did I say something wrong? Was I not enough for you? Why? That is all I want and need to know is why..? I miss you more than the sun misses the moon. Yet I find it ironic how I fucking hate you with the same passion. Even worse I began to hate myself for missing and believing there is still hope for you and I. I hate waking up every morning and still checking my phone for those good morning messages I needed so much. I hate how much I wish I could turn back time just to feel those butterflies I got when your lips touched mine. I hate it so much. I hate you so fucking much. I want to restart everything, I long for a body that you have never seen, or held, or felt. Maybe its time I stop hating, and forgive you, and more importantly forgive myself. But I do not quite know how to do that yet. I know now, thanks to you, that words mean nothing. I know now that those dark stories and heart breaking tales I always heard of people leaving after they promised not to is true. I know now not to trust or fall so easily. I want to thank you for that. I want to thank you for the small amount of happiness you gave me in the brief few months we were a fling. And finally, Thank you for doing what you did, If it was not for this I would not know how strong and independent I could be.