An open letter to the first boy who ever broke my heart;
We were just kids when we met. Middle school. The great expanse of life before us, neither of us knowing what the future would hold. You weren’t my first crush by any means, but you were the first one that really mattered. You were the boy that would change absolutely everything.
I really don’t know how we spent so much time together, but it happened. Between track practice and choir and lock-ins, I knew that I liked you... I didn’t just like you, I LIKED you. One night, with several friends around in a swimming pool, someone asked me if I LIKED you, and I got embarrassed, I got nervous, and I said no. You were right there. How could I possibly say yes? But the truth was yes. I DID like you. That was seventh grade. I liked you then, and that would not go away. It didn’t go away when I came back to school after the summer break to find out you were dating a girl in your grade. It didn’t go away when we were in a play together my junior year and we spent a little *too* much time together before and after rehearsal. It didn’t go away when you were finally single, away at college, but still texting me daily and coming to choir concerts and drama productions. It didn’t go away when we FINALLY went on a real date. It didn’t go away when you came to my graduation party and posed for super cute pictures that I still occasionally look at. And it didn’t go away when I left for college, several hours away, because we talked on the phone almost daily. It didn’t go away when you told me that you loved me, but that I deserved so much more than you. It faded into the background of my life when we spent hours on the phone, screaming at each other one night at the very beginning of my college tenure, and I thought I finally came to terms with the fact that we would never be a we, and that I should just let it go.
I lived my life, and you lived yours. We dated other people, but somehow it always ended up with us having late night conversations about “the good old days”. We always found our way back to each other. We always found our way back to each other all the way to after college, living in the city, a few blocks away from each other. We spent many beautiful days/nights together, and then you disappeared. You disappeared into a relationship I knew nothing about until one devastating Halloween. After that, you just disappeared.
You’re married with a gorgeous baby now. I moved on as well; engaged and planning my perfect day. But I still miss you. I miss the friend who always made me smile. I miss the person who made me feel so many things. I miss the person who inadvertently taught me about love and loss and heartbreak and resilience. I miss your dimples and your laugh and your nerdy sense of humor. I miss the person I was when I was with you. You made me better. You made me more confident and you made me fearless.
Regardless of the heartbreak, you will always be someone I will continue to love. Your happiness is important to me, and I am so glad that I can cheer you on from afar. You were a monumental part of my life, and for that I will be forever grateful. I might not be a 13 year old girl with a gigantic crush anymore, but a small part of that lives on in me. Always and forever.
To the first boy who ever broke my heart;
I always hope you’re happy, and I always hope you’re well. You changed me in many ways, and a piece of my heart will always be yours. You are a beautiful person, and I wish nothing but the best for you. ❤️