Dear psychotic ex - boyfriend ;
It’s crazy really how things ended the way they did but what was more crazy was our relationship. I mean, yeah at first things seemed so great but in a short time, what did I ever REALLY do to make you decide to hurt me? Why did you ever think it was okay to put your hands on me? Why did you blame me?
‘You are an Army Veteran — you’d never harm me’ I told myself.
You cared a lot for me. At least that is what I thought when you were brainwashing me. You cared about how I dressed, that’s why you always chose what I wore. I never wore makeup because if I wore any, “I was trying to impress someone else.” You cared about how much money I made because you wanted me to be financially stable enough to eventually have to support the both of us. You chose my jobs and I could never make that type of decision for myself because you cared about how people looked at me. You also “cared” about how I felt — which will be discussed later in this letter.
You always wanted to be around me... in the literal sense. Enough to keep me from the people who truly loved me most. First my friends, the ones who you made me stop talking to because you didn’t like how they acted in public. My friends bothered you so much that this led to me having to get rid of all my social media. Soon, when family started questioning me about my whereabouts and why I’ve been so distant — the same happened with them but it was different when it came to them. You always seemed to confuse my mother’s concern to be overbearing and controlling. When it came to holidays with my grandparents you always found ways to weasel out of it and then say something along the lines of “I don’t want to be around your grandparents because it makes me miss mine.”
All in all, I stopped going to family/friend outings. I started deleting texts from friends asking how I was doing and if I was okay just to keep you happy and not so mad at me. I was lying to my coworkers and to everyone in that matter — to make them believe things were “perfect.”
At first, everything just seemed emotional but as time went on things got a lot more difficult. You would yell at me until I cried — then choke me when I wouldn’t stop. You would yell at me for not doing the laundry then throw it on the floor — then did the same to me. When you got mad at me — you always got physical with me as if I was a true danger to you. None of this is even the beginning of it.
Every time you put your hands on me you always “apologized” and “promised” you would never do it again. As for me, I was really stupid in believing that. The abuse got so bad with you that I started lying to people when they asked about the bruises on my body.
“Oh I just fell down the stairs.”
The worse thing you did to me was invalidate and ignore all the feelings I felt. Not just about what you did to me but also the daily things that went on in our life.
We started hanging out with your friends a whole lot more than usual and we NEVER had alone time. Someone was always with you or wanting you to come to their house in which you didn’t have a car so we used mine. There were days I just wanted to be with you by myself so we could talk about personal things but if I ever brought it up you’d say I was keeping you from your friends or I was jealous of them.
I remember, one day, I came home from a long day of work. I didn’t even get the chance to sit down the first thing you said was “Get ready we’re going to the park with our (who was really your) friends.” I didn’t feel like going anywhere I just wanted to rest — working with kids gets pretty exhausting at times. But you weren’t having it. You yelled in my face as I was trying to relax in the bathtub. You forced me to hurry myself as you continued screaming at me. I continuously asked you to stop yelling and just walk away — in which you never did. If I didn’t move fast enough for you, you would yell at me more. I’d start to cry in fear and still try to move to your liking. Shaking and trembling, I’d pull the plug to the bathtub drain and stand up and try to get out. You never stopped yelling at me. You even got an inch away from my ear and screamed literally in my ear enough to almost cause it to bust my ear drum. When I tried to get out of the tub, you blocked me so I couldn’t get out. You began shoving me against the bathtub/shower walls almost causing me to slip and bust my head. I begged you to move so I could get ready. You taunted me and told me if I didn’t hurry you were leaving without me. I’d ask you how and tell you that you weren’t taking my car — you threw me on the bed and punched me in the chest, right where my heart was. The one person who was suppose to protect it was soon destroying it. I ran to my car with my phone and keys in hand barely any clothes on. I was scrambling to call my mom as you took my phone from me and smashed it. You took my keys and carried me inside.
Things like this happened multiple times but you always made the excuse of saying “I don’t know what I did. I blacked out.” Or “Well if you didn’t say that, that wouldn’t have happened.” I’m honestly surprised the neighbors never called the police. There was also a times where our own roommates didn’t even step in to help and let the abuse continue. So I guess they are as guilty as you.
There were a lot of things you did that weren’t good to me. You would corner me in corners of the house and taunt me until I was curled up crying. You publicly humiliated me. You stressed me out to the point I started losing a lot of weight. You restricted my eating. I could list things all day but they still wouldn’t change the fact that you abused me whether you realize it or not.
Remember on Valentine’s Day when I bought you a heart shaped pizza to surprise you? Do remember how you threw it in my face and told me “I don’t like that kind of pizza and I’m not going to eat it.”
A lot of occasions went sour not because of me but because of YOU. None of the things you dealt to me were ever my fault. I never did anything to cause you to put your hands on me. Even then, you’d try to play victim when I was defending myself. So I was just suppose to let you choke me to death as you hit my head against the wall?
Fights got worse. The abuse got worse. I started having panic attacks to where I almost stopped breathing. It started effecting my job, my sleep schedule, eating habits and etc. I started to become more numb and careless of the fact of losing you. It was like once I use to be so scared of us not being together to I started searching for reasons to leave. The thing that finally ended it all is when you called me when I was on break at work — weeks prior to this you kicked me out because you accused me of cheating. You had been hot and cold with me and started ignoring me when YOU wanted to.
You yelled at me during the phone call and started calling me a whore and how I was going to be like the rest of the women in my family. You told me that you should have punched me in the face when you had the chance. At this point my parents knew nothing of the abuse.. but now they know. They know everything. Needless to say, you better hope they never see you out in public.
You see the thing is..
I’m stronger than you. All the abuse you have done to me, I could never wish upon you. That would make me as low as you. You wouldn’t even be able to handle the pain you caused me. I finally escaped your wicked and torturous grasp. You were a true narcissistic man who got joy out of seeing me cry and hurt. It gave you a sense of false empowerment and control. Thanks to you, I push myself to the highest limits. I know what I DON’T want in a man. You made me love myself more than ever. I now know why none of your past relationships worked, it was never them.. it was you!
But you will never come to terms with that. How could you? You never did anything wrong right ?
Sincerely hoping you get help,
The girl you tried to break