It seems like I can never catch a break. Everything I touch seems to crumble and I'm always trying to fix things but it always seems like everything just gets worse.
Everyone expects so much out of me and they often forget I'm human too. While I understand it's common behavior to point out everyone else's flaws but your own, I just can't seem to get over how people treat me. I have one year left of my "teenage years" and I can honestly say I've wasted what was supposed to be "some of the greatest years of your life," doing nothing of what a typical teenager does. I've never even dated anyone because I've never had the time to and the thought of anyone meeting my family is just unfathomable. Most times, my family can be so judgmental and self-absorbed that I'm embarrassed to be related to them.
It's sad how they don't see how deep in the hole of depression I'm in. I've tried being perfect and it sucks. It makes every mistake, small or big, feel like a ton extra added on to my baggage. I'm drowning in my own self-hate and no one sees it. No one asks if I'm okay or if I need help. I have so much time a head of me and I don't know if that should make me upset or delighted. I can't take the lies and the glares or the whispers behind my back anymore. I'm just not strong enough for it and any moment could be my breaking point.
I'm hoping with college coming right around the corner, getting away for a while will make things easier. I'm just tired of feeling like an outsider looking into a window. I want to stop living day-by-day like a robot going through its everyday routine. I want adventure, happiness , and most importantly, love. Whether it's my family acceptance or from a romantic standpoint, I just want to be able to say "I've lived."
Tomorrow is a new day and it probably won't be better tomorrow, but I can at least try to make the best of it.