To the one I love. Welcome to my brain, in no particular order.

Subject: To the one I love. Welcome to my brain, in no particular order.
From: SG
Date: 25 Sep 2018

To the one I loved, the one that hurt me, the one I forgive, the one I had to walk away from.

In no particular order, welcome to my brain

I never wanted a life without you. I feel lost and helpless and defeated. I can’t eat or sleep. My stomach is in knots all the time, I have constant runs and I’ve gone back to wetting myself out of anxiety. My head is dazed. I feel total sadness and despair. My eyes are filled with tears constantly. I cry all the time. I don’t have a home to go to and clean or tidy or animals to look after. I don’t have someone to come home to and to talk to. It’s quiet and lonely. I don’t have a purpose. I’ve lost everything that was me. It’s not fair that you hurt me. It’s nit fair that I hurt you when I had to leave. None of it is fair.

I miss your hugs with my head on your chest and your arms around me. I miss laughing with you. I miss updating you on my day after work and asking about yours. I miss your smile when your genuinely happy. I miss you comforting me when I’m frazzled. I miss touching your face and holding your hand. I miss the familiarity of us and everything that made us good. I miss the comfort of our bed. I hate the shower pressure at my parents house. The hard mattress of the single bed in my childhood bedroom hurts my back. You know me better than anyone.

I tried my best. I was at breaking point. Was it too soon to give up? Will I have regret? I don’t know. I only know that I loved you as much as I could under the circumstances. I know I came back to try so i didn’t have regret. It was too damaging. Maybe one day it would have been easier but in the meantime I was breaking. How much time should I have given it?is it that I couldn’t be intimate with anyone anymore that made me pull away from you? I don’t know. I hate that this happened to us. The thought of you with her makes me sick.

I will always feel love for you. I’m not coping. I stopped by the house today when you went home. You need toilet rolls. I messaged you when I shouldn’t have but I wasn’t coping. I walked away but I needed to hear that you cared about my hurt. Instead of tormenting myself with why I stayed, I’m now bashing myself with why I couldn’t feel different and had to leave. I feel massive guilt for not being able to. I pushed myself as far as I could. I wanted us and I wanted it to be ok. I wanted to kiss you properly. I wanted to be able to touch you and let you touch me. I just couldn’t. I still want you. But I can’t just have you how I need with all the restrictions. It’s not fair. I miss you. I want to turn back time. I want to erase my brain. Even though I know you’ve been with someone else in that way, thinking about you in love with someone else in the future ruins me. I can’t see it for myself either.

I want to take your hurt away more than my own. At times like right now when I’m so distressed I want to come back to you and force myself to keep trying. I want you to see what this is doing to me. I want to try to make you understand what’s going on inside me. I want you to know that I didn’t see a good end for either of us with how I was feeling. I couldn’t stand seeing you rejected and hurt. I care about you so much. Right now I can’t imagine my life without us. I didn’t want anyone else. I didn’t want any of this. What was the point of this happening? Why did we have to go through this? Look at what we’ve gone through in almost 5 years. I would’ve gone through anything with you but this was my dealbreaker.

Im proud of what you achieved and I know you were doing it purely for me. I know anger came into it at the end because we are both hurt but I could never hate you. I remember the spark I saw in you. I used to just stare at you while you watched tv or driving or eating, anything. I looked at you with some much love and adoration.

I hope you can continue to be stronger man. Your an attentive dad and your little girl will need you. Don’t hide away from people for too long. Don’t be alone for too long. I know you pull away from them but your friends and family will be there. Please look after yourself. I honestly do forgive you. I know it wasn’t you that night. Sadly it put us both where we are. It’s me I can’t forgive for not being able to get to where i needed for to be for us to be happy.

Maybe a separation won’t lead to divorce. Maybe I came back too soon and should’ve worked through my feelings for longer alone. maybe I could’ve been able to get past this before I came back if I took more time. I felt pressure from you and me and the thought Of Summah. Sorry many expectations of a life I didn’t know how to have, that I couldn’t meet. Maybe I need time away from everything so I can think and feel clearly. I’ve lost myself.

People always say that love is easy and should be easy, but it’s not love is hard. because humans are not easy. humans are flawed and make mistakes and heart break is inevitable because it’s attached to emotions and trust and investment and history.

Maybe I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life like you did in March. If I have I’ll have to accept that just like you did. All I can go off is what won’t break me right now. Staying was so damaging but leaving is too. We both had the best intentions but somehow you broke my heart and now Ive broken yours and our life as we knew it. I have many more questions than answers. It’s beyond my control but I can’t let go. I hope you never feel the way I feel because only then you will understand. And I’d rather that you didn’t understand that have to feel what this feels like. You were my world. I’m so scared I can’t breathe. It’s time to go now.