I fucked up, again. every time there’s a possibility for something good in my life, i fuck it up. all my friends told me that you were into me, hell even some of your friends told me. but i let my insecurities get in the way, again. it’s so disappointing to wreck something for yourself, because the only person to blame is the same person who got you into the mess. i couldn’t get out of my head, i couldn’t listen to the words you were saying. i could hear you, but i just couldn’t listen. i wish that i could say you broke my heart, but fuck, i broke my own heart. it took me a little while longer to realize my feelings, and i’m truly, deeply sorry if that hurt you. i genuinely apologize if i lead you on. that was never my intention, all i wanted was to let my guard down. and you probably think i wasn’t trying hard enough, and you know what maybe i wasn’t. but at the time, it really felt like the hardest thing i had ever done. i have let people know me in the past. i open up to them, tell them things about myself, let them know who i really am. as soon as they know who i am, they leave. it’s almost as if they take the time to know the real me, and the real me isn’t good enough for them. but fuck, i’m so sick of putting on an act. i’m so sick of having to act happy all of the time. as soon as people find out that i’m not as happy as i act, they leave. when they find out that i have real issues, mental health issues, trauma, they decide they don’t want to touch me with a ten foot pole. so i’m sorry if i struggled to have a conversation with you. i’m sorry if i made it seem like i only texted you when i had been drinking. i desperately wanted to talk to you. i wish there was a way to make you understand. i wish i had the guts to put this in a text message, the short version of course, and hit send. but it’s too late now, isn’t it? you’re over chasing me. i mean, if the roles were reversed i would be too. you don’t want to go after a girl that you don’t think is interested, and even though i can’t even put into words how interested i am, i wish i could. it’s taking everything i have right now not to call you, but at 3:00 AM, i know you’re sleeping. you’re sleeping in your bed, and there isn’t any skin off your back. for you, this doesn’t hurt. i mean, i gave myself to you, i let you take my virginity. was it a mistake? absolutely not, but i do wish the circumstances would’ve been different. i don’t regret sleeping with you, on a friend’s couch, on New Year’s Eve. that’s a good story to tell my girlfriends when i’ve had a bit too much to drink. you asked me if i was a virgin, you asked me if i was okay giving myself to you, and you took things slow that night. i genuinely appreciate all of that, because not a lot of guys are that caring. and then when we hung out for the first time sober, i thought maybe things could be good. you took me out for sushi, you picked me up, you paid. according to every single one of my friends, it was a date. but it didn’t feel like a date. don’t get me wrong, if it was meant to be a date, i would agree that it was a date. but i made things so awkward, i could barely hold a conversation. and then you took me back to your house. we watched step brothers, one of my all time favourite movies. we talked, and things were finally starting to feel a little bit more comfortable for me. and then we ended up hooking up again. and it isn’t until i’m writing this, that i’m realizing that this was the problem for me. sex makes me uncomfortable. not because of anything you did, let’s be honest, at the time it was what i wanted. but it just feels like you were moving so fast. i was completely inexperienced before you. i had done absolutely nothing sexually, you were truly my first. but i know for a fact i wasn’t the first girl you slept with. now that isn’t an issue, like at all. i’m just trying to say that you weren’t inexperienced, you were comfortable with your sexuality, and i hadn’t quite got there yet. i wanted to be comfortable, and i think if there was a person who wouldn’t make me uncomfortable it would be you. i wish you wouldn’t have moved so fast. we were both drunk on new year’s, so it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. you were only the second person i kissed. i wish i could’ve told you that i wanted to have sex with you again, but i wanted to work back up to that. everyone always talks about the bases, and i feel like i missed that. first base, we barely even had a kiss, let alone a makeout session. second base, you felt me up over the bra, but it was so obvious that you were in a hurry to get in my pants. third base was completely skipped. i wish i could’ve expressed this to you, but once again i’ve let my anxiety put me in a situation that i wasn’t comfortable to tell you i was uncomfortable. i don’t blame you for a second, because before we did anything, you asked me flat out if i was okay with it. i should’ve told you the truth, i should’ve told you i didn’t want to sleep with you on what some would consider our first date (i really wish i knew if it was a date or not.....) so after you dropped me off at home that night, you texted me, and i never answered. i was too in my own head, overthinking what had happened at your house earlier. i didn’t know what to say to you, because i was mad at myself for not telling you how uncomfortable i was. and then too much time had passed, i knew you didn’t want a text in the middle of the night. and the next morning, the little bit of courage i had built up at 4:00AM was gone. So days went by, and we didn’t talk, all completely my fault. When my best friend’s birthday came around, i was helping her throw her party. we went out to get everything we needed Friday night, and then she came over to my place to make Jell-o shots. She decided that it was funny to take snapchats of me, and i still don’t know if she was sending them to you, or one of the people you were with, but i know you saw them. you texted me, you called me, you wanted me to come out to the bar and have a drink with you and your friends. but you were wasted. so when i got there sober, talking to you was even more uncomfortable, because i know how much easier it is to talk to someone when you’ve had a few drinks. you decided to call me out on not answering my phone, ever. i deserved it, but it embarrassed the shit out of me. i felt so awkward, i didn’t know 2 of your 3 friend’s, but i just felt like you had told them about everything. you were really drunk, and you were nice enough to buy me a couple of drinks, because i didn’t expect you to do that. but then at the end of the night, it just felt like you didn’t want me there anymore. “what’s the plan, i don’t want to sit here anymore.” it’s so pathetic that i can’t stop thinking about it, i know, but it kind of hurt my feelings. So we went our separate ways, and this time when you texted me i texted back. I’ll never know for sure, but it felt like you were only texting me because you wanted sex. it wouldn’t surprise me, you were very drunk. I could sit here and write every little detail, but i’m not going to, because you will never read this. i got too drunk the next night, and told you i liked you, over a text message. it was true, but it wasn’t how or when i wanted to tell you. so you must’ve assumed that because i liked you, i just wasn’t going to be awkward anymore. i wish that could’ve been the case.. we haven’t seen each other since that night at the bar, and considering the last few conversations we had over text, i don’t think you want to see me again. i don’t blame you if that’s the case, but it doesn’t make it suck less for me. so yeah, it’s now 4:00AM and you’re probably still sleeping. i doubt you even think of me anymore, but i sure as hell think about you. your best friend lives close to me, and i swear to god every time i hear a really loud car, i look out my window to see if it’s you. not because i want you to see me, i wouldn’t want you to see me, but so i could see you. i think i understand how i made you feel when this was all just starting out. if i made you feel half as bad as i’ve made myself feel right now, i owe you the worlds biggest apology. but when i texted you last night, i had decided i was going to give it a real shot. i was going to answer your texts, i was going to make plans and actually follow through, i was genuinely going to try. so maybe i should’ve sent an apology, maybe ‘hey’ wasn’t good enough. but when you sent a question mark back i realized it was too late. the last chance i had with you, i had already used it. i just didn’t know it. but if only you knew i slept with someone else, and the entire time i felt guilty. once he had fallen asleep, i laid there beating myself up in my mind. i wished it would’ve been you. but because i fucked up with you, i don’t see the value sex is supposed to have. i am not the kind of girl who goes home from the club with a stranger, yet i did. i wish i would’ve realized what could’ve been before it was too late. it’s too late now. so as you sleep, i’m drinking energy drinks, and writing this, because i can’t sleep. i’m exhausted, but my mind is so busy trying to process all of this, i can’t sleep. all i want is a chance to make things better. but i know by now, when i want something, things tend to go the opposite way. i hate it, because i didn’t it to myself, again. i feel like i gave you a piece of me, but when i did it was too late, and you never took it. so now there’s just this piece of me and it’s missing. you don’t have it, i don’t have it, and you couldn’t care less. again, i wouldn’t care either. do i think that piece of me is gone forever? no. someone is looking for it, and there’s going to come a day when they’re going to find it, and try to give it back to me, but i’m going to let them keep it. it makes me sad that you’re not going to be my first boyfriend, or my first real guy friend, but there literally isn’t anything i can do anymore. i feel so empty, i chopped half of my hair off, hoping the change in appearance would bring me an emotional change. so far it’s not looking so great. i didn’t think i was going to make this as long as i did, but getting this off of my chest makes me feel so much better. if by any chance you read this one day, which isn’t going to happen but if it does, just know that if you’re willing to give me one last chance, i don’t think i would let you down this time...
the girl who wouldn’t let you it.