Can I be real a second? I know that you think that your hands are clean. It was two years ago...we stayed together, had a second child. The public front we put on gives most people the impression that we’ve moved on from the “incident” and come out stronger on the other side. But there’s a lot going on behind closed doors that most people will never see. I can be having a perfectly lovely day and I’ll hear a song from that time period and be brought back to the day that I found out. I can be settling in with my husband to watch a movie after the kids have gone to bed and be sent into a spiral. I’ll bet you never even really thought about that fact that infidelity is a common theme in many movies. It is quite often presented from the side of the two illicit lovers who have such a passion for each other that it’s quite a shame that they’re tied to others. I’m sure you’ve probably watched a movie or two with this type of scenario and maybe you even felt a bit of empathy for them. Oh, the star crossed lovers could be together if that evil shrew of a wife were not in the picture. I bet the anguish the betrayed spouses are feeling never even crossed your mind, did it?
I don’t think it’s possible to put into words the intense pain I felt that day. I honestly feel in my soul that if I could trade feeling that emotional pain for a catastrophic physical pain I would do it in a heartbeat. Bones can be repaired and wounds will eventually heal. Sure, you might have a nasty scar or maybe even a bit of a limp that you didn’t have before, but people will be sympathetic to you because your scars are visible. No one can see my scars, but believe me, they are just as real and just as much a painful reminder of my past as the kind you can see from the outside. And just like physical scars, they are a daily reminder of what I’ve experienced.
I hope you’ve sat down over this time period and really reflected on what an indelible mark that you left on my life. I’m sure you probably think that time has healed all wounds. Maybe you have some kind of false sense of relief because you didn’t ultimately become the homewrecker. I mean, we stayed together so all is well, right? My husband betrayed me in the biggest way possible. He broke the vows that he made to me on our wedding day. Regardless of whether or not we stay married until the day one of us dies or we divorce in a year, I can assure you that he will carry the guilt for what he’s done for the rest of his life. I can assure you that every time he sees me cry or he comes home to me in a bad mood that he’s afraid it’s because I’m having a flashback to that terrible thing that he did to me. He has apologized more times than I could possibly count over the past couple of years but that will never be enough. No words can take back what was done.
Speaking of apologies, have you ever considered even attempting to apologize to me? If you’re too much of a coward to do it to my face, have you thought about maybe writing me a letter? An email? It wouldn’t take away my pain but it would give me a shred of hope that you do have some redeeming qualities within you. I will never forget the day that I confronted you. I went up to your place of employment and caused quite a scene. It was terribly fortunate for you that you weren’t there at the time. When I got home I told my husband to call you and tell you that you needed to come to my home and speak with me about what you’ve done. I told him to tell you that you could try to avoid me all that you want but you will not get away with this without discussing it with me face to face. So you came and sat opposite of me, stony-faced. I asked you if you thought that I wouldn’t find out? You said no. How many times did it happen? You said two, which is either the truth or my husband warned you beforehand that that was what he told me. I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell. I would say my demeanor was calm yet firm with undertones of deep anger. I wanted to reach across the table and punch you right in the face. I can tell you that if my son hadn’t been right inside the house that it might have happened. But I know that would make me lesser somehow, to stoop to such a level. So we had our conversation and I let you know that I was done speaking with you and that you could leave. You walked, nay, slunk back to your car, clearly deflated. You probably felt a mixture of terror and relief. You wanna know what I felt? More anger, resentment and pain than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I hope I never feel that way again because I’m not sure that I could come out alive if I did. What really drove the knife in deeper is that not once did any words remotely resembling an apology for your part in my pain come from your mouth. That fact right there sealed the deal for me. I absolutely hate you, and I probably will for the rest of my life.
Here’s another fun fact that you probably don’t know. Not only did your actions have an impact on my future, it also tainted my past. I no longer look at our wedding photos with a sense of fondness. I look at that day as the day that my husband made vows to me that he apparently did not intend to keep. I won’t bore you too much with the details, but we went through a lot of trials to get to that wedding day. We had been through some really hard times. Some were my fault and some were his. I do take full responsibility for the part that I played to make him feel angry with me. There are things that I have done and said that I would give almost anything to be able to take back. I have been immature, selfish and downright cruel at times. I honestly probably don’t really deserve a lot of the good that I do have. With that said, our wedding day was something I anticipated for a long time. We didn’t have money to do some grand ceremony and reception. We just had close family attend our wedding. It was stressful and we fought over the financial stress it was putting on us. But through all of that, every damn bit, I knew with 100% certainty that I couldn’t wait to marry him. I loved him. I still love him, but I’ll never love him as carelessly as I once did ever again. I’ll never fully be able to trust anyone ever again. By the way, thanks for the part that you played in that.
Speaking of weddings...aren’t you getting married soon? Like, within a couple of weeks? Do you anticipate the walk down the aisle to your “soulmate” in your princess dress? I bet you’re super excited to be married and to get to spend time in paradise with your new husband on your honeymoon. I remember how happy I felt on ours. I was just so happy for it all to be over and for us to finally be husband and wife. This truly is such a special time for couples who are in love and getting ready to start a new life together.
Let me ask you this, though: are you prepared for the letdown that will come when all of that is over and the day is done and you’re yelling at your husband for leaving his clothes on the floor again? Yeah, I’m sure creating your registry was fun and I’m sure your bridal shower was wonderful. It’s nice to get new things for your new life together, isn’t it? But once the honeymoon is over and you guys have to return back to work and boring regular life it’s not so much a breathless fairytale anymore. I promise that thing he does that you thought was cute when you were newly in love and engaged will start to get on your nerves. There will be times that you’ll be wondering what in the hell you were thinking marrying this guy who so obviously does not get why it’s so annoying that he leaves his socks on the floor when the hamper is right there. Soon you’ll transform into a boring old married couple. The shine has dulled, and nobody asks you about how married life is.
Sure, you might pop a kid out and then people are all about asking how you’re feeling and making sure you’re comfortable and you’ll get to make another registry and marvel over how tiny baby clothes are and probably have a couple more showers, only this time they’ll be celebrating your impending motherhood. People will come around after the baby is born and give you presents and food and offer a lending hand. But then, a couple of months down the line, it stops. No one asks how you’re doing anymore, they only ask about the baby. You’re so fucking tired because your husband sleeps like a rock and you are the one who does the majority of the nighttime feedings. It’s rough. You’re tired, you feel unappreciated, and all you really want is to get a full night of uninterrupted sleep. One night you’ll be up with the baby once again, running on a combined total of about 10 hours of sleep over three days and you will look over at your husband and you will hate him. You’ll be angry because you’re tired, your body is fucked up beyond repair, and you’ve given up your sense of self while he gets to go on mostly unaffected. See, married life can sometimes be the pits, right?
I don’t mean to be all doom and gloom here, and I don’t want to portray marriage as some uncomfortably long suckfest. Of course a lot of good comes with the bad. The good should mostly outweigh the bad, after all. I just know you and I think you may have an unrealistic picture of what you’re getting into. You’re immature and your core is damaged. I don’t know what caused it, but I do know that you have very low self esteem. It wasn’t just my husband, there were others. You will forever be known at your company as the girl that slept around with people who she shouldn’t have. It’s kind of unfair that because you’re a woman that you get painted to be the homewrecking whore, isn’t it? I do loathe you, but I am sympathetic to the fact that you’ve been affected by the misogynistic values that seem to run rampant in our society. If you’re a homewrecking whore, then so is my husband and he should be called out for it just as much as you have been. I admit that I’ve directed a lot of my anger at him at you, maybe unfairly. But I can assure you that whatever backlash you’ve received due to the part you played he has received from me tenfold. He will never be able to forget about the damage he has done for as long as I’m alive.
So that’s that. I can tell you that I’ve been able to continue my life and as time passes I do feel better and the pain lessens. It just sucks that I know that it will never fully go away. I could die tomorrow or at the age of ninety and I can assure you that these wounds will still exist. I do know that I will have to contend with this in some way for the rest of my life. They say the best revenge is living well, and I intend to do exactly that. I lost my way there for a while but I know who I am and I know where I’m going. I have two beautiful children that give me a reason to keep going. As far as I can tell, you’re still the broken, destructive mess that you were then. You’ve just found someone to help you to hide it better. You’ll screw this up too, much like you screw up most things. No one who knows what kind of person you truly are will feel bad for you. And just know, when the day finally comes that karmic justice is served, I won’t feel anything for you. Not happiness, not pity, just indifference. That’s the only thing that a person like you will ever deserve.