Subject: To the Man that's Supposed to Love Me
Date:
6
Jun
2016
It's 1:35 in the morning, I'm wide awake. You're sound asleep. You sent me five, maybe six messages today. Honestly, that's better than yesterday. What happened to getting messages all day? Is it honestly that hard to pick up your phone before 6? You don't have a job. College is on break. How did I drop so low on your list of priorities?
I've noticed, of course, how the texts have changed. "I love you" has become "love u" and only used when needed. I get one word answers. I have exhausted every conversation starter I know. Still, nothing. I get "okay" and "cool" and "yup". I've confronted you about it. If talking to me is a chore, don't talk to me. "Talking to you isn't a chore, sweetie." Good. Prove it. Put some effort into this. I am so very tired of pulling this along by myself. I am tired of staying up at night wondering what's going on, tired of crying and re-reading messages and wondering what I said or did to make you drift away from me. I ask you about it, you say everything is fine like it's all in my head. We went from seeing each other as often as possible to maybe once every couple of weeks. I don't think it's all in my head.
I understand that you have your own life to live, so I try not to intrude. I understand that you have your own problems, so I try to give you space. After a while space becomes distance. Distance becomes doubt. Doubt becomes heartache, and it only seems to be affecting me.
Does it not bother you at all that we haven't kissed in two weeks? Does it not bother you that the last time we had a legitimate conversation was when I asked you if you really wanted to do this anymore? You promised me you'd try harder. You promised you'd put some effort into this. Two weeks later, we're just as distant as we were.
I asked you if you would tell me if you didn't love me anymore. "Of course, I'm not an a**hole." Of course you aren't, but are you sure? If you loved me, wouldn't this distance be killing you like it's killing me? If you loved me, wouldn't you check your phone all day for a message from me like I do for you?
I love you, I really do, but how am I supposed to keep this up with all the uncertainty surrounding us? It's killing me that the future I was so sure of a few months ago is so tentative now. That the love I was feeling has turned into this anxious hole, eating me away because I'm afraid that love is unrequited.
I don't want to beg for you to love me. I shouldn't have to either. I should take my pride and leave, but how can I? I feel all this distance but you keep pulling me back in. I'm like a game to you. I hate that I love you so much. At this point, I just wish you'd get it over with and crush me.
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I've noticed, of course, how the texts have changed. "I love you" has become "love u" and only used when needed. I get one word answers. I have exhausted every conversation starter I know. Still, nothing. I get "okay" and "cool" and "yup". I've confronted you about it. If talking to me is a chore, don't talk to me. "Talking to you isn't a chore, sweetie." Good. Prove it. Put some effort into this. I am so very tired of pulling this along by myself. I am tired of staying up at night wondering what's going on, tired of crying and re-reading messages and wondering what I said or did to make you drift away from me. I ask you about it, you say everything is fine like it's all in my head. We went from seeing each other as often as possible to maybe once every couple of weeks. I don't think it's all in my head.
I understand that you have your own life to live, so I try not to intrude. I understand that you have your own problems, so I try to give you space. After a while space becomes distance. Distance becomes doubt. Doubt becomes heartache, and it only seems to be affecting me.
Does it not bother you at all that we haven't kissed in two weeks? Does it not bother you that the last time we had a legitimate conversation was when I asked you if you really wanted to do this anymore? You promised me you'd try harder. You promised you'd put some effort into this. Two weeks later, we're just as distant as we were.
I asked you if you would tell me if you didn't love me anymore. "Of course, I'm not an a**hole." Of course you aren't, but are you sure? If you loved me, wouldn't this distance be killing you like it's killing me? If you loved me, wouldn't you check your phone all day for a message from me like I do for you?
I love you, I really do, but how am I supposed to keep this up with all the uncertainty surrounding us? It's killing me that the future I was so sure of a few months ago is so tentative now. That the love I was feeling has turned into this anxious hole, eating me away because I'm afraid that love is unrequited.
I don't want to beg for you to love me. I shouldn't have to either. I should take my pride and leave, but how can I? I feel all this distance but you keep pulling me back in. I'm like a game to you. I hate that I love you so much. At this point, I just wish you'd get it over with and crush me.
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