To the man I will always love, but let slip away.

Subject: To the man I will always love, but let slip away.
Date: 23 Aug 2019

I've loved you since the first time I watched the flame of a citronella candle dance in your eyes, 15 or so years ago. I loved you when we were supposed to just be creeping and keeping it quiet. I loved you whenever I was trying to move on with someone else.

I have always loved you.

The truth is, I was terrified of what I was feeling. I had never been with someone who made me feel safe, secure, and beautiful, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. Like a fool, I ran from it every chance I got, because despite the fact that you treated me like a queen, I was terrified that you would reject me and I would lose you forever.

That night that I told you I was going to cut our aimless drive short because I had met someone new and he wanted to see me is a night I will regret for the rest of my life. I should have held on to you for dear life, but, we had spent so long lurking in the shadows that I was positive you didn't want a relationship with me. Looking back on it, I should have seen the sadness in your eyes in that moment, but I didn't. I will spend every day of my life regretting that moment.

Despite all of the years that I played with you like a yo-yo, you have remained supportive, present, and sincere. We both know that we love each other very deeply, but due to the cards we have been dealt we can not be together. We both have spouses and children, and we can't be *those* people, but it kills me every day. I have an empty feeling in the center of my chest that only goes away when you are near. My soul literally aches for you. I compare everyone to you, and no one will ever come close...but I let you go, thinking I was doing you a favor. I was helping you dodge a bullet, because I'm a mess and I would never forgive myself if I hurt you.

Well, as it turns out, I hurt you by not clinging to you for dear life.

I know this now. We've talked about it. I've very recently spoken "those words" to you, which is against the rules. You said them back. It made me blush, made my heart skip a beat, and made me want nothing more than to be near you, which is the one thing I can't have.

Mostly, I am writing this to tell you I am sorry. Since I was scared and I ran, I ruined both of our lives. I ruined any chance we both had at being happy. I deserve my sadness, because I hurt the one person I love more than anything, but you don't deserve it. Sometimes, I wonder if you would be better off if you had never met me, but you assure me that is not the case.

I hope that you can forgive me for all that I have done. I also hope you are ok with me loving you forever, because I know at this point that I will never be able to stop.