I recently tossed out the last mementos from time spent with my Personality Disorder ex. This was the last steps in healing my wounds. I have NO ill will towards her. She is out of my life now. I do not think we will ever publicly cross paths again -- no need, to be honest. She can give me no more closure than I have found in myself.
I had a very vivid dream last week where I saw her and she had 'healed' in some sense. She had become a renewed woman who was helping others. Volunteering and teaching. It was like the bad darkness she once carried had faded away, melted, and she was anew made only of her good parts from prior.
It was lovely because it felt like she was briefly in my life, if only positively in the best way, for a brief few moments. The true goodness I saw deep in her and that I KNOW was there when she was in my life surfaced so brilliant like a star. She was a beautiful ray of light. A ray of hope, goodness and love to those near. A ray of warmth she had been denied in our life together.
I thought it would be much more difficult than it was (getting rid of the last bits). I kept the last few items for a long time. Small things. The last few tokens of our last days spent together. I mean very small things that I was extremely attentive to. I wish so bad I could have held onto her - that love and vulnerability that she brought forth in me. It was not because of her disorder -- it was because it was her. The Personality Disorder was just a side of her, not the whole she was to me.
Before I deleted the photos I looked at them and saw a different person. Gone was the girl I fell in love with. The girl I had a rollercoaster of emotions with. The girl I loved then hated (repeated many times). The girl I would have devoted my life to. I simply saw a person. Neither good or bad. Just a person.
It can take eons to get to this point. Ages to finally get here. And you never know when you will arrive. You just want the pain and wounds to end. But they do.
As unbelievable as this sounds, TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. I wish I could have found a more easy path…something that could have more quickly lifted away the pain. But now I know simple words and thoughts would have been fruitless. Actions are where it counts in life. We are not our hopes dreams or emotions, but our actions and only that. So I disposed of the last remnants of her.
During my healing I never WANTED to get to this day -- the day of final closure. The day where I let her go. I FOUGHT this very moment. I held on like a baby animal at the mothers tit. I had strong codependency issues and looked to others for my own sense of validation and direction; things I now define boldly on my own.
They (Personality Disorder sufferers) are not demons. They are hurt people first and foremost. For the longest time I held great anger towards her. When coming away from her it felt like I loved an illusion. The truth is that she was lovable. So maybe one day she will know she was loved…thoughts of my care and attentiveness might be a warm memory for her. Some day she may blossom into a warm ray of light and may warm others along in her life’s journey. We all have it in us and so does she.
Today I realized that if I fall again, I can get back up. I cannot count how many times I have fallen down to climb back up. I dust myself off, take a breath, realign with my goals for recovery/better life/and I continue forward. I have good days and bad. Neutral days and absent ones.
I hope to generate more positive in life than negative, so thats where I continue from today forward. I hope to take what I have learned to lend an ear or word to Personality Disorder suffers and victims alike.
Pain and personal growth is difficult. No ones pain is greater and no one is more or less deserving of personal growth than someone else. So love and peace to my ex. May angels lift her pain and watch over her throughout the rest of her life.
