It was a a swift beginning. It was very different from past. It was rare. It was very honest, for the first time I thought I found the one. I thought having all the cards on the table, being very transparent literally from the beginning was rare and perfect. But we all know those two words are traps, illusion, and fantasy.
I thought knowing everything about a person is a good thing and it can be a stable basis of a great partnership. I thought the beginning was so rare and good that the future almost peaked. Of course all honeymoon phases are bright and gliterry. It maked everyone blind for all the red flags.
Two months after being officially in a relationship, one major issue risen and that was the root cause of the first wound on the trust. I thought that I was a just a rebound. It didn't happen because I was just an insecure, crazy partner but because of his doing that I've read. I mean, how can you be with a new person when you still cry in the shower when you still think of the 13 years past? I didnt signed up for any of that. I got into the relationship for him, I know the past will always be there but I am not in anyway capable to play tag-of-war with it. And since then, it was a major issue. Many triggering points, everything that was connected to that 13 years was a trigger. So, my compromise was to always be updated, especially about that person or anyone connected to that person. I just was to be in the loop and be aware about it. But his compromise was giving me all the access to his whole life. Which worked good, there were times given that my reaction was always instese because like I said, that 13 years gave me anxiety. But then the relationship thrieved so good, so many nice and good memories. Full of love and care to each other. But the doubts were still there, pops up anytime, anywhere.
Until after 2.5 years, something changed,after moving in together after a year, living perfectly fine all throughout and I got a new job that drained me ever since and made me a very negative person that I lost myself. But then not just that, my relationship, my person, just shifted the full three-sixty degrees. I'm not sure if it's because of his associates, like influenced by the people around him or what not. But then, I became a villain, an attacker instead of being a partner. Everytime I open my mouth regardless, it caused trouble. None of what I say was ever positive for him. Regardless of my tones too.
Then, he ended the relationship by asking SPACE. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Me, never seen that coming ever in our lives, just happened like that. Without any warning, without any clues. However, a new one popped magically between us. And that demolished everything. It gave me so many anxiety, confusion, depression. Until it pushed me to really dig deeper of what kind of person he is. It took me over two years, almost three to know what he really is, a dismissive avoidant. For a week I studied all YT videos, podcasts, and reels. But then, it also gave answers to me, it introduced me to what I am too.
After studying him for a week, knowing all the whys he is what he is, how to handle him and understand someone like him, I shifted to mine. Not to try to fix "us" BUT to get ready for my future. I am clear that I will surely try again when I am ready with another person, but I have to make sure I will not be the same person I used to be with this 2.5 years. I have to make sure I will be a better potential to somebody else.
Regrets are inevitable especially during the moments it's all fresh and the pain and rage is strong. Its all part of the destruction that caused by this person. And at the end, one day, you will just also shift without you even knowing and feeling it.
The difference is that your shift is for the better future and the other is just for the same pattern.
