I am Not Mad Just Tired

Subject: I am Not Mad Just Tired
From: who you are now
Date: 8 Mar 2019

To who I used to be,

I remember when you were me and we were comfortable and safe. I was able to make it through the day when we were together. It has been a struggle without you by myside and it is hard to do the things we used to do together. I didn’t notice you slipping away from and then just one day you were just gone. I never realized how happy we were until you disappeared. I am sorry for letting you slip away, but can you come back please.

Since you have been gone it has been harder to do everything. There isn’t even a trace of you to help go through the day. I can’t smile like you would for me. We used to be perfect at that, no struggle just natural happiness. But without you I can’t even feel happy, even around my friends. Every joke that is made comes with a fake laugh that hurts to much to keep it reappearing. I can’t make plans without you. We used to be so busy with people and it never exhausted us. Now with you being gone I can’t even think about going out without acknowledging how much energy it is going to take me to go. I can’t present myself like you did. Getting ready for the day is the worse since you been gone. You always made me feel pretty and worth it, but now everything looks ugly and bland. It is like a repeat of what yesterday was and it just continues on and on.

This repeating is getting tired and I want you back. You always made it interesting and worth it to get up in the morning. It always seemed brighter when you were around, even when I somehow get a glimpse of you while you have been gone. When I sense you presences even the slightest, the day seems to be easier to get through and more enjoyable. I have tried to get you back, but every time I do I feel like you slip further and further away. I just need to know how to keep you here. What will it take to get you to come back, cause I will do it in a heartbeat.

I am doing everything we used to do and that you loved, but it doesn’t feel the same without you. I have tried doing new things and creating the same feeling I had with you. But it doesn’t seem to work, nothing has been the same since you have left. I don’t know what it is, but you make things better and more beautiful. I am trying my hardest to get you back and to feel normal, like we used to. Honestly normal isn’t even what it used to be since you left, but I want that normal back. I can’t ask anyone to help or even replace you cause they don’t know the pain of losing you, there would always be a gap. They will claim that I am just changing and that it is a normal process, but I know that isn’t true because we have felt normal. Right now is nothing remotely close to normal. This new normal is consistently being tired, not having energy to do anything, always smiling cause you feel like you have to. This isn’t change or normal it is pain from you being gone.

This isn’t my normal and you know that. So, why aren’t you here to help me? I have given you time, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold myself together waiting for you. Maybe you don’t want to be here and I get that, if I could disappear to I would too. But I can’t, someone has to be presented. There are so many things I need to do and waiting isn’t helping. I can hold out for us until you come back, but please make it sooner than later. The longer you are gone the more broken I feel and I don’t know how much longer I can feel like this. Sometimes I wish I can go back to the days of you and I, but I know those days haven’t been since we were kids. So until you are ready to come back I can continue mimicking your smiles, your confidence, your laughs, your smarts, and your energy as long as you need. I will be ready when you are and know that it will be okay when you come back.


Who you are now.