Dear Incompetent Morons Of Vodafone.

Subject: Dear Incompetent Morons Of Vodafone.
From: Georgina Robbins
Date: 29 Jan 2015

How are you doing today? I hope I can help you? By passing you through to a number of different yet increasingly useless personnel that are reading from a script. Sorry is that not good enough? Thought not.
It was a lovely, bright gorgeous day in Somerset when I decided to take out the contract with Vodafone for my iphone 6. I had a new job, a new phone, the world was my oyster. Then the dark clouds came, my phone was no longer a shining beacon of conversation. The lights were on but no one was home. Signal bars existent, actual signal unavailable. Why is this Vodafone?
I ask this question because I feel as a rather large multi - national company; you might be able to answer me. However over the last two weeks of rather poor communication with your company I have concluded that you have no idea.
I feel like I am on a massive round about unsure which lane to navigate off of because you have no idea which one will get me to the right place. Warning, the following information may seem quite disturbing, long winded and frustrating, but that has been my whole experience.
Having spent a good couple of months missing phonecalls, receiving text messages an hour after they had been sent, unable to send messages and unable to use the internet I decided to investigate the issue. After spending far too much time looking at the website to find out how to do this, I decided to use your online live chat service, spent a while waiting to be spoken to, to then get disconnected. Eventually I got through to someone spent a while turning things on and off, standard, who told me to go in to the store to have it looked at. Off I popped down to the LOCAL Vodafone store in the High St. I walk past this store every day, the only place I seem to get any signal. I walk in to a polite welcome. I explained my issue, we did exactly what had already been done over the phone, he then changed my sim card. The next part will shock you, it is the best piece of information I have ever received, ‘Hopefully it should work but living in this area, you shouldn’t really expect your phone to work properly’. Helpful.
After spending a few days mulling over this useful piece of information I decided to call up your HELPLINE. I verified my details, explained my situation, I was reassured that you can understand the frustration in this situation, and I was guided through the standard off and on procedures. I clearly was not satisfied with this, so I was put through to another department, put through the same laborious procedures I had already been put through to be informed that due to a problem with the mast, I will not receive a full service. This is due to adverse weather conditions (of which we have had very little of in the west country), and that I would receive compensation when it is repaired. Not really that useful if you are trying to run a business and write for various publications, and with contacts unable to get in touch, I lose money. So through to another department to go over it again, and then another department who gives me a total amount of £30 off of my bill and a guarantee that the mast will be fixed. We all know this isn’t going to happen.

So to my email of complaint, detailing all the issues I have had with the service. The response I get? Please speak to the online live chat. Hence the roundabout, like the petrol, my steam is running out, rapidly. I speak to the online team, of which I have the conversation printed. I engage in the same old routine, verification, off and on, blah blah blah. Getting rather tiresome. In this process I have been informed that there isn’t an issue reported in Wells, that is probably the fault of Apple or Carphone Warehouse regardless of the fact others in the area are having a similar issue, that isn’t being dealt with. I have also been informed that if I refuse to pay my bill (Which I haven’t actually done) then there would be serious consequences. I also get reminded that I signed a contract for the services therefore can only buy myself out of it. My thoughts at this point are, I have signed for a service I am not receiving. However I can understand when you are reading from a script it is hard to deviate, it would be rather rude to actually offer helpful advice at this point. Is this boring you yet Vodafone?

I would like to say however your twitter team are on the ball, when I threaten legal action, they jump right in there, power of social media and all that. Moving along though, having been put through to another handful of useless departments I ask for the manager, after being informed there isn’t a complaints department to speak to. To be honest I can see why, all your staff would be inundated with calls, therefore taking up valuable selling time. I am told by a member of your team that a manager will call me back, I suggested they call me at work as you know, signal issues and all that. They take my number, bravo, deviating a little, they are learning! This is Friday.

Welcome to Monday . . evening. A phonecall, on my mobile, from a manager at Vodafone. ‘Good evening Miss Robbins, I am calling from Vodafone, I tried to call you earlier but I couldn’t get through’, ‘Did you call me on my mobile?’, ‘Yes I did’. Go figure! Further proof that members of staff are paying zero attention to the words coming out of my mouth. After I go through all that verification again and the same OFF AND ON mumbo jumbo, he informs me that the technical department would be better off in this situation and that he can give me £20 off of my bill. CUE my fist through my living room table. After informing him that I no longer wished to deal with this company any further, and that they have pushed me too far, I questioned him as a manager. He said that he was a manager, to which I responded, his lack of competence clearly isn’t showing this. After telling you on numerous occasions that the point is now that my complaint isn’t being dealt with and that the service I have received is appalling, he tells me to turn off my 3g and it will work. BOOM complaint dealt with all is right with the world again. NOT.
Phone gets cut off. Shocker. He tries to call me back, however I found cooking my tea more riveting than talking to the senseless moron, which is a lot seeing as I cannot stand cooking. I call him back, the automated moron informs me they tried calling, and that I don’t need to do anything, as they will call me back.

Today is Thursday. I am still waiting.

Due to a kidney infection I can’t even drink away the stress you have caused.

So I thank you Vodafone. You have officially won the award for largest company with the most incompetent morons in tow.

Yours faithfully.