Dear Children

Subject: Dear Children
From: Katie Hopkins
Date: 8 Jun 2015

You are safe at school now. I like walking you there because I get to hear more about what you are thinking and there is space for me to listen.

And I understand more about how you see the world at ten, nine and six. 'Why the hell would you buy a car the same colour as your kid's hair?' It is not exactly insightful stuff. But if these are your biggest worries, I am serving you well.

I won't always be here to do that. We know Mum's doctor says her epilepsy will get her one day. Fruit loops say Karma will. But either way, I wanted to write down a few things for you to remember as you get bigger:

- Never trust a zebra crossing. Just because they are named after a friendly animal, doesn't mean drivers accord them the same respect. The one near your school is lethal. Think Guardian, Daily Mail and the Independent. Left. Right. And no one even cares.

- Girls are weird. If the girls in your class start to make you feel upset about yourself, find some boys to hang out with. Girls think handbags matter. This is one step away from being a Scientologist.

- Sometimes doing well is reason enough for other people to put you down. If someone frowns at you, smile back. Absorbing ill-will makes you stronger. And I want you to be the strongest person you can be.

- When you get older and kiss boys or girls or both, you will wonder why some people seem so amazing. Remember, everyone has to wee. Weeing makes us all the same - no matter how fantastic someone looks in a dress.

- We agree, Tampax make great mice. But not everyone thinks like us. Sometimes we are odd. This is OK too.

- One day you might think you want to stay with one person for the rest of your life. Perhaps you will want to wear a big want dress to celebrate. Ask yourself; 'will I look back in five years and think I looked a right twat?' Mummy should have done this.

- I hope to be there for your big day, but more importantly, I want to be there if it all goes wrong. My mum was there for me when this happened. You girls were a year old and less than a month old back then. And your grandma and grandpa made it all OK. Somehow.

- Most of all I want you to find the fun like we do; to dance in your kitchen, to wear pants on your head because leg holes make great eye holes and eat chips in the rain.

If you forget all this, that's OK. Mummy made some royal cock-ups well documented on Google, but has no regrets and wouldn't change a single thing. Especially not the three of you.

Wherever I am - I will always be in the room just next door,

Love you lots,