Where are we now? I need to know. Because I am never going to be somebodies substitute. I'm no reserve option waiting in the wings to pick you up if other options don't work out, like I may have been in the past.
I deserve more than that. Whilst I acknowledge and appreciate your want and need for me to change myself and better myself for you and us but aside my desire to have a steady and successful life and relationship with the person I see when I see you, I have to examine the realities of what I am fighting for.
Am I fighting for the woman who looks at me with loving eyes, who respects me, who wants to show me off and share her life with around the world?
Is there a consistency in her feelings towards me and a security in our connected bond?
Is there complete trust and common ground on privacy and boundaries we have with one another? Does she envisage a life with me, a family a future whilst making a concerted effort to truly be committed to me?
Now I can't expect all of the above in a partner. But in an ideal world, a mix of a majority of those things from my partner would give me more drive and impetus than any pep talk or kick up the arse can do and would be encouraging for the future.
You have to ask yourself am I those things to you?
You don't have to answer me, but you just have to ask yourself and you'll get your answer whether you like it or not.
I am no angel, I have many issues, like we all do, I shouldnt allow myself to be so besotted, I shouldn't be blinded by beauty, I shouldn't be oblivious to the obvious. I should take the hints and I shouldn't read too much into the words but into the actions.
Im afflicted by peoples actions, their reactions and subsequently other peoples actions can affect my rationality. Life and people are reactive. we react differently to how we're being treated.
However, I have always been guided by my instinct. My instinct told me the moment I met you, you would be someone special in my life. My instinct tells me you're scared to truly open yourself up to me in case I don't like what I see even though I've accepted you fully for who you are and never judged. It tells me you're frustrated at your lack of clarity for your future. Your lack of stability in your home and family life.
It tells me that you have a deep desire to help and please and do right by your friends, even at your own detriment, but especially with your parents and it gives you the most satisfaction to make them happy and you feel like in the past you may have let them down and it kills you. It tells me you want change but don't want to change. It tells me your stubbornness may cause you to cut your nose off to spite your face. It tells me I'm a distraction that makes you feel good some of the time, but may not be the answer to all of life problems. It tells me I could be just what you need to get through all of life's problem with. My instinct also tells me it's a weakness for you to know how much you mean to me and its indicated that you know it and sometimes affects how I'm treated. But It also tells me you're fighting any feelings for me because you think you'll end up hurting me. My instinct is starting to tell me that the feelings we do have for eachother are not equal, and you are more special to me than I am to you and it hurts but I would be foolish to think the extent of love is divided equally between different people and cannot blame you if your feelings are not as strong. You could be the best or worst thing that happened to me but I will not allow for this to become a monotonous cycle of ups and downs because you deserve more and Its not good for either of our sanities. If I never hear the daggers to the heart of the words, 'never speak to me again", then It would be too soon because they seem to frequent your lips far too often for my liking and I couldn't utter the same words to you because it will be against everything I am hoping to achieve with you. I only wish I could say this to you in person, but the truth is, recently, I haven't been afforded the side of you that responds to deep and meaningful. I am extremely receptive to body language and it guides my feelings and that's why it had to get to a stage where I can't continue like this living in the unknown.
Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I guess, with this completely odd and desperate letter,
I'm taking his advice for my sanity. I never did get that poem you wrote me. And so I'll ask, because I need to know, where are we now? If we're the same as yesterday, I cannot do this any more.