An Open Letter To The Absent One.
Dear Absent One,
I want you to know I am not angry. I am not upset about the choices you’ve made and will continue to make. If you think I am upset; I assure you— I am not whatsoever. Being a parent is scary business. I understand the unbelievable fear of hearing those two words, “I'm pregnant”. I was terrified myself. Not only hearing those words but hearing “twins” right after REALLY complicated things between us. We all have choices in life, and I happen to make the choice that not only affected me but you as well. Although this is true… I’m happy about the choice that I made. You on the other hand are not, but that’s just okay. It’s normal. I gave you the ultimatum to be in or out. You chose out.
I’m not upset. Rather disappointed, but not upset. You had a choice. I want you to know that it’s never too late to change your mind. I won’t turn you away, shut you out or pick a fight. Bitterness is the last thing in my soul. Every child deserves both parents and despite my personal feelings towards you— If you ever come around, we will be here.
I’m not upset at you for missing out on everything but It’s important for you to know this has not been an easy journey. Even though I endured it all on my own, I wish you were there for the first-time experience too. I must say we made some strong little boys, born prematurely upon many other health issues, yet they overcame every obstacle. It was hard but I wasn’t alone. Yes, it would’ve been better if they had Mommy and Daddy instead of Mommy and Granny. But we made it work (on this end).
After all… it takes a village to raise a child (let alone two at the exact same time).
You don’t have to worry though, I got us covered. I didn’t let your absence affect us. No need to thank me Absent One, you are welcome. I’m not going to blame our decisions on being “young and dumb”, we both were well aware of our actions. And the way you have been showing your actions… I feel that you should do the same. Stop blaming and start obtaining the reality of the now.
There were no faults.
Mistakes exist in life.
What we decide to do afterwards is what matters. You decided to run but I decided to fight, you see the difference? A highschool senior preparing to deliver twins on top of graduating and somehow I managed to not give up hope. I cried almost everyday thinking I wouldn’t make it but I fought through it alone. And you?… you were nowhere to be found. I only had my Mom (thank God for Mothers right?). Not only did I accomplish the hardship of trying to graduate highschool but I was one of the top ten students in my graduating class, I also received all sorts of opportunities AND prepared for two health bound baby boys. It’s safe to say I’m a strong person. Even though it would’ve been wonderful to have you around, you contributed to my strength. I could’ve blamed the world for the choices WE decided to make but I toughened up and became a mother first.
You see Absent One, accomplishments could still happen if you have a little faith.
It should get tiring seeing men not taking responsibility for their actions (or more specifically— their kids). As you of ALL people should understand how it feels to have an Absent One. You no longer can blame him. He had a choice.
Just. Like. You.
So— everything you said about him not being there for you: if I were you, I’d take a good look in the mirror first. The cycle just repeats. But I’ll tell you this, the cycle has ended with you. In this lifetime, America does not love little black boys and how on earth can I raise them to be men? Well for starters, I can show them how to respect a woman. I can show them how to forgive others (like how I’ve forgiven you). I can let them know that it’s okay to show love and be loved. I can teach them the rights and wrongs. And most importantly, show them to fight through the hard/scary times and not run. That’ll just be a start. And with your absence— all I can do is my very best.
As any mother can.
It’s sad to say that the “norm” is not seeing fathers in their kids lives and that the “abnorm” is seeing them with their kids. Crazy right? Especially in the black community, but it’s okay because everyone has a choice. As women have the right to their choices, so do men. No choice is right or wrong, but it WILL have consequences.
So once again, I’m not upset Absent One. I understand. But I hope you understand that you are missing out on a beautiful, magnificent, extraordinary opportunity of being a Dad and to witness a love so strong you will never look at love the same. I never thought I would be “mother material” but that was not an excuse to not become one. With the experience I had this far, I am grateful for my boys.
There is NO love like a child’s love.
I hope you can experience it one day because it’s amazing and it just might change your life. It definitely changed mine. Even if it’s not with the twins, if you ever decide to have any more kids with anyone else— don’t run. Don’t let the fear consume you and swallow you whole. FIGHT, and be there to face those challenges because anything is possible. No one should miss out on the opportunity of a child’s love.
Not even you.
I hope one day you decide to be present and not absent. The world doesn’t need anymore Absent Ones.
A Present Mother.