Dear Writers at The Onion,
In the wake of the distressing news about The Onion changing hands, let me just speak on behalf of all your followers who have sent me your links, traded print issues and quoted your shit at parties: we still need you, more than ever. We need you to pull down the proverbial pants of the politicians who deserve it. We need you to point out the absurd in the utterly mundane, we need that desperate laugh to be louder than the death rattle of our failing empire.
Seriously, how are we going to make it through this election without the real you?
You are our Voltaire, our Twain. We already lost Stewart. Don't surrender to the muzzle; please quit enmasse and start another publication. Crowdsource it, you know we'll pay for it. I realize it's a lot to...
Politics
Dear Uncle Nero and Aunt Statilia,
I know y'all have a lot going on. Hell bent on running the world and all. Still, I want to take a minute to let you know about some things that might be important to you so if you would put down your fiddles I'll get right to it.
Uncle. When I was a kid, what you said was just... it. Seriously. I never questioned it. Never occurred to me because you're Uncle Nero! But as I've gotten older, I've been wondering if maybe being so insulated and so accustomed to the way things are is good for you. It might have dulled some things that ought never be dulled and you've come to some mighty odd points of view. For example, it's pretty inappropriate on every conceivable level that you consider my reproductive processes subject to a popular vote. Why aren't...
3,061
It's sad how we no longer respect each other when one of His commandments were "Love your neighbours like you love yourselves". I am personally not a supporter of same sex marriage or LGBT, but it angers me to hear and see that the people who degrade them are the same people that claim to have been "cleansed" by the mercy of God.
I am not standing up for the LGBT community, but for what I believe in.
I am proud to say I'm a Christian and I KNOW that God only made a man and woman.... But if we JUDGE and CONDEMN other people because of what or who they are, AREN'T WE DISOBEYING GOD TOO? We all claim to be 'strong, devoted believers in Christ' when we FAIL to obey his simple rules, to RESPECT and LOVE each other. We go to church every Sunday, listen to His message, but that DOES NOT MAKE...
3,142
It's sad how we no longer respect each other when one of His commandments were "Love your neighbours like you love yourselves". I am personally not a supporter of same sex marriage or LGBT, but, it angers me how people that degrade them are the same people that claim to have been "cleansed" by the mercy of God.
I am not standing up for the LGBT community, but for what I believe in.
I am proud to say I'm a Christian and I KNOW that God only made a man and woman.... But if we JUDGE and CONDEMN other people because of what or who they are, AREN'T WE DISOBEYING GOD TOO? We all claim to be 'strong, devoted believers in Christ' when we FAIL to obey his simple rules, to RESPECT and LOVE each other. We go to church every Sunday, listen to His message, but that DOES NOT MAKE OUR SOULS ANY...
2,757
Dear Governor Daugaard and South Dakota’s Legislators,
I need your help answering a question that has been plaguing me for the past few weeks. Did I make a mistake coming back to South Dakota?
As a teacher and a gay man, I am starting to think that the South Dakota legislator really doesn’t want me around. I left three years ago to move to Colorado to be closer to my family. I had not lived so close to anyone from my immediate family for almost 10 years. It was wonderful. Then, I got a call from a friend at Lincoln High School, where I had previously taught; they had an opening for the coming school year. Would I be at all interested in applying? Basically, I would get to resume my former position as a debate coach and speech teacher. After some discussion, my partner and I decided...
2,809
I am all for equality of every form. But there is one issue that I have and it is holding back the solution to the problem. This is the Militant Feminist Conundrum.
I’m sure many people have experienced the Female entitlement battle filled with “hairy, Green party-Voting, lesbian, vegans.” This isn’t hard to find, but that’s not all feminists. To me, it isn’t feminism at all. I am a feminist in some ways (yes, I believe you can be a partial fan of a movement people who believe otherwise are just wrong.) For example, you can believe that illegal immigration is wrong and should be stopped, but you don’t have to be Donald “Fuck-Hole” Trump.
I count myself a feminist because I believe that people should be given equal chances, regardless of any category you can put them in. However, I...
3,200
Dear Senator Sanders:
We are writing to ask that you consider addressing the broken US approach to foreign policy in the Middle East, and particularly Israel-Palestine.
As a diverse group of individual American citizens living both within and outside the United States, we represent no one but ourselves, but together we represent many years of experience living, working and/or studying in the Middle East region. Our political perspectives are markedly different and our backgrounds equally diverse, but we agree on one thing: We strongly believe that in addition to economic and social issues, our US political establishment needs to be challenged on the critical issue of our nation’s relationship with Israelis and Palestinians.
Given the daily coverage of atrocities (committed by...
2,753
To the United States of America
I am Yemen – a country at war, a people in mourning, and a land blistered by the vengeful wrath which is imperialism.
I address you today as a foreigner in my own land … I address you today for my people, my mountains and my valleys have burnt under the furious fire of war – a fire you have yourself work to feed, prop, and offer cover for.
Although I am foreign to you, although my tongue speaks a different rhythm and my knees kneel in prayers when maybe you stand, my people … I, aspire for the same Freedom and the same Liberties you do.
Do you not hear my people’s cries? Do you not see the evil you have stood by as you argued politics and manoeuvred your way out?
Do you not taste our bitter tears … so many of them I have shed hoping you...
3,547
An open letter to CNN
I am a mid thirties, colleage eduated, smart and independent woman. And its not often that I am as confused as I am right now.
I, as well as millions of people, watched the debate on PBS last night. I heard the same words, saw the same enthusiasm, the same occasional childish behavior that everyone else saw. In my honest, humble and probably completely irrevelant opinion, I thought that Bernie Sanders won the debate outright. His replies to attacks on Hillary Clinton's part were precise, honest and relatable. He was debating in a spirit of how a future president should. He was incredibly inspiring, he spoke in the voice of the people and he was, for the most part, right. Every online poll I researched had Bernie Sanders winning by an overwhelming majority. Yet,...
2,548
Dear Senator Sanders,
Greetings and Salutations! Thank you for your steadfast devotion to equality and justice for all. I hope this letter greets you with genuine fervor and wholehearted seriousness.
First, a few personal details to paint my point of view in the proper light:
I am a Father and Husband.
I am logical and reasonable.
I am in love with veritable truth.
I am a disabled U.S. Marine Corps Veteran.
I am an unemployed college graduate.
I have ever increasing student debt with no real devices for repayment.
I have grown disenchanted with our form of government.
I display the characteristics of a Direct Social Democrat, but do not identify with any labels.
I am writing you this, an open letter, to address a few points from your campaign, and more specifically;...
3,254