Dear pre-baby body,
I don't remember what you feel like. It's been too long since you've been around to wear my "skinny" jeans. It's summer and I miss throwing on a bikini on without a second thought. Instead, I’m searching for tankinis with underwire support and maximum coverage. Sometimes I feel like you never existed. Did I dream you?
I wonder if you'd recognize me with my new post-baby-making (and currently-baby-growing) #mombod. We’ve been through a lot. I’m talking stretch marks, extra padding, and post-nursing-now-pregnant-and-confused-boobs. This body is new; it's one I’ve only had for two years, so it’s hard to even recognize myself sometimes.
Three years ago, this body was all “let me flash my toned arms and shoulders as much as possible” at my wedding. And yesterday,...
Lifestyle
Dear Dad,
It's me, your child. The Robert Griffinfant. I'm writing this letter to you from the inside of my mom's stomach (by the way tell her to knock it off with all the broccoli LOL!)
I wanted to write you because I love you but frankly I'm a little concern that the only child you should be worrying about is the one in the mirror no offense. You've already got people who depend on you to let them down there called Redskins fans! Don't get me wrong Dad I think your going to be a great father but the most important thing in your life right now should be making sure that your playing sports good- in other words if I were you I'd be more concerned with finishing inside the red zone on the field – not in the bedroom. And while I'm flattered by all the attention you've shown me on...
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Dear, sweet Baby Yeezus,
The entire world has celebrated your long-anticipated arrival, and I’m so happy you got here safe and sound. Coming prematurely can lead to a multitude of complications, just ask any of the guys I tried to date during high school. All semen jokes aside, I’m thrilled you’re healthy and in the arms of your parents, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.
In case you didn’t know, you’ve been dubbed, “American Royalty” by the US paparazzi. You’ve been compared to the actual royal baby, that of Duchess Kate and Prince William since basically the date of your conception. You have a lot to live up to, I understand. I just want to let you know that you should prepare for a life of fame and paparazzi scrutiny. If you want to succeed, you’ll heed my advice.
First of all, as...
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Dear Wills,
Congrats on the birth of your second child. Now sit down and take a drag on some gas and air because life is about to get very hard.
Well, it would be if you didn’t have several nannies on hand… And a housekeeper… And a butler… And a cook or two… And a team of gardeners… And a driver… But still, despite your privileged position in one of the country’s oldest institutions, I’m guessing you’re the kind of modern man who takes a hands-on approach to fatherhood, which means you’ll be mucking in as much as possible.
In your line of work I can see this is going to present some challenges, which is why I wanted to offer a bit of friendly advice.
First of all prepare to feel tired, every waking minute of your life. There’s no slinking back to your four poster bed when the...
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Dear Duchess of Cambridge aka Kate Middleton,
Waiting for your little Prince or Princess to arrive, I am sure you are prepared for your life to totally change—even more than it already has. In the beginning, right when you take your royal golden nugget home to the castle is the most exciting experience of your life. I couldn't wait to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my little prince Lorenzo.
But that lasts for about a few days. Then it's like, "I love you but OMG stop crying! I'm exhausted." The lack of sleep you will get used to—just do your makeup, put a tiara on, and you'll look beautiful as usual. Be sure to sing to your baby a lot, too! When I sing to my booger, he calms down and stares at me like he's in love, which makes me feel amazing—or he's just trying...
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Dear Parents Who Ban Books,
Remember when I told your son that he couldn't eat that cookie because he'd rot his teeth?
Oh, never mind, that wasn't me. I don't parent your kid. That's your job.
Which is why I'm asking you stop banning books from my public and school libraries. You don't get to parent my children. That's my job.
Let me decide what's appropriate for my kids. Even better, let me teach my children to make smart choices about what they read.
When you ban books, you're making the choice for my kids. Do that with your own kids. Not mine.
What are you so afraid of anyway? Dangerous ideas? Sex, drugs, and anarchy?
Okay. I agree with you that some ideas are dangerous. But I disagree with you on that being a bad thing.
Ideas, dangerous or otherwise, are...
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Dear Breastfeeding Mom,
Congratulations on committing to breastfeeding your baby! I say that with sincerity. There are incredible health benefits for you and your baby from breastfeeding. All mothers should do it for a while if they can. Unfortunately, not all mothers are able to breastfeed.
Some of us weren't as lucky as you were with our breastfeeding experience. Between thrush, complex medical issues, medications and latch issues, some of us didn't get to breastfeed like we had planned. Truthfully, the mothers that can't breastfeed for one reason or another often beat themselves up because they feel like a failure. The pressure from society and all the crunchy moms out there has made formula-feeding parents feel as if they are inadequate. We feel downright depressed when we...
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Dear Mr. Lowe,
These days it's all about the snow where I live, Mr. Lowe. Perhaps you've seen videos of my fellow Bostonians jumping from windows into snow banks? I even heard that somebody a bit further north just climbed the frozen falls up at Niagara.
For me, this means that I can't go outside for my regular runs – not even bundling up helps, as there is barely room for the cars on most streets, let alone the runners. So it is back to the dull treadmill and, with the treadmill, the TV, which is where I saw your latest commercials.
The first one I saw is the one you call Creepy Rob Lowe.
Creepy Rob Lowe is such a downtrodden human that the marketing machinery behind the campaign probably thought that no one would be offended by demeaning him. You even hinted at predatory...
2,209
Dear NHS,
My name is Chazz, and I'm a 24-year-old mother of one living in Wales. I've suffered from depression and anxiety since before I was a teenager, brought upon by the sudden death of my father.
At the time of his death, I was nine, and didn't know how to process what had happened. I wasn't old enough to understand that I was depressed, but for three months, I hardly left my room. I didn't want to talk to anyone, or see anyone, because I didn't want to be reminded of the fact that he wasn't there. In the bubble of my room, nothing changed, and I could exist - not live, just exist.
When my mother and I moved from England to Wales just before starting secondary school, everyone thought of me as an outsider, so I started getting bullied. It made me feel even more depressed, so...
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Dear Zen, Kathleen, and Esther:
Recently in a published Google Hangout involving different members of your organization, Moms Across America, Kavin Senapathy was accused of mom shaming. Kavin criticized the group for fear mongering and victim blaming due to their continued attempts to link GMOs to autism and other concerns you have. At no point in the post that you are mentioning does Kavin specifically address your parenting. While watching the video it appears that you are attempting to counter organic skeptics who say that organic obsessed mothers are constantly trying to shame parents who don’t buy organic. Your attempt just falls flat, especially considering that the entire organic marketing scheme is built around making parents feel guilty.
Most organic skeptics are well aware...
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