To my ride or die

Subject: To my ride or die
From: your constant
Date: 25 Jan 2022

Too much thought ran through my head today, and I seem clueless about what to write about first. There were just too many and very unorganized that I could not start. However, today - a while ago - I saw how you answered the call from your sister and heard the most devastating news you could ever hear for the day. I know that you were preparing for that call for the longest time, but I do understand that it's the call that you will never be fully ready and willingly accept, no matter how prepared you said you were.
In a matter of seconds, I saw the change in your facial expression that I knew exactly what was the call was about; still, I had to confirm it because I was silently hoping that it was not it, only that it was nothing but it. I felt regret and useless at that moment because I was not there to comfort you. I know I shouldn't be talking about my feelings right now because how dare I talk about mine while you're the one that is in sorrow right now. However, this is the only time I can sincerely speak about my raw emotions and ask for forgiveness.
The other day, I saw that you changed your profile picture on Facebook, conveying that someone died; the first thing that came to my mind was your grandmother; thus, I message you right off the bat to ask you about it while having a heavy heart of regret. But it's not your grandmother, it's your auntie, and with that, the guilt that I felt was slightly reduced because I immediately thought that I still had a chance to make the video that I said I was going to do for your grandmother. While listening and sympathizing with your sentiments that day, I planned to do your video. Even while we were talking a while ago, I am decided to do the video for tomorrow, but I guess I ran out of time. So, I am sorry. I'm sorry for disappointing you, I'm sorry I kept on postponing it, I'm sorry I ran out of time, I'm sorry you haven't had the chance to show it to your grandmother.
Now, full of regret, I will still do it, but I don't know if I should still give it to you because I'm scared you will just feel shame that you didn't end up showing it to your grandmother and maybe add up another memory with her that has put a smile on her face. However, I realize I should let you decide how to handle your emotions if you feel regret - again, I'm sorry. But maybe, well, I'm hoping, that it will help you grieve, seeing the pictures of your grandmother. Or you can also use it to her funeral, to play the video, your call.
I still have many things to say, but I will stop here first and try to edit the video, hoping that I can finish it and have the courage to continue this letter for you.