We were in a relationship for 21 months. I was in love with you Jake you were everything I could ever ask for, you were always sweet and nice to me, after 10 months into the relationship we decided we'll live together in a small apartment near college, when we had sex you never did anything I didn't wanted you to do, until you did.
My friends and I went to a party one night, it was a girls night out, You went out with your friends too. When I returned to the apartment you were already there waiting for me it was around 5am, you started telling me you owned me, that I will never leave you, I blamed it on the alcohol and ignored it, didn't thought much about it both of us were drunk.
The next morning when I woke up you were checking my texts and started questioning my about every single one, you bursted into tears begging me to never leave you, I hugged you and tried to comfort you.
Few days later I was on the living room when you came, sat next to me, you started touching me, then put your hand inside my pants, I wasn't in the mood for it and told you that we'll do it other day, you stood up and pulled me up, you said you wanted me now, although I wasn't excited about it we had sex because you wanted to.
For weeks everything was normal, with the exception that you kept checking my phone when you thought I didn't noticed. I thought we were happy.
On our 1 year and a half anniversary I had a nice dinner planned for us, cooked everything you like, you arrived a little drunk, told me you went out to celebrate, I wanted us to have dinner but you insisted on having sex, since it was our anniversary I agreed. After that I went to the kitchen and started serving dinner, when everything was on the table I called you, you came out naked told me you wanted to do it again, I didn't, I tried talking to you, but you pushed me against the fridge and told me to give you oral sex, I didn't wanted to piss you off so I did what you wanted, we sat down to eat, but all you did was drink, after finishing two bottles of wine you went to the room said nothing more for the rest of the night and slept. You didn't even tried what I cooked for you, that hurt.
Few weeks later on campus I had to stay late to finish a project, I was talking to my friend Tim* when you came into the classroom sat next to me and started talking about our sex live, I told you stop and you stormed out of the room, I went after you, asked why did you do that, you told me I was yours and everyone should know I that.
Back home I asked you why you were being so jealous, you said you loved me and would die if I left you, we started kissing, you put me against the wall and pulled my skirt up, I tried to slow you down but you didn't, you hurt me that time you went inside me too soon, I wasn't enjoy myself but you were pissed off already so I thought that if I told you to stop or slow down it would make things worse.
When you finished you told me we belonged together and that we'll be together forever, you carried me to the room and said I was only yours.
Weeks went by, you started being more aggressive when we had sex, used handcuffs or other sex toys without my consent and whenever I tried to talk about it with you, you got mad and started telling me I didn't loved you and didn't care about your happiness or tried to change the subject or just left.
The day I was reading in the living room, you came in, and without saying anything trew my book got on top of me, hold my chin as you forcibly kissed me, pulled my pants down and started thrusting me, I didn't try to fight or get away I didn't scream, but I was afraid something didn't feel right and didn't knew what do or if I should do something so I tried to focus all my attention on the celling. When you finished you told me I was good girl.
The next day I told you I would be spending the night at Sara's*, you told me I didn't have permission to go, that my place was with you, we started fighting, and I left.
In her house I started talking to her, told her what happened, she told me you had assaulted me, but I thought it was an over reaction, you were my boyfriend you couldn't do that.
For two days we didn't talked to each other, I stayed with her.
The next day when I saw you at campus you ignored me, when I went to the apartment you weren't there.
The next day when I arrived to the classroom you had flowers and a teddy bear, you told me you loved me and that you were sorry for everything. I forgave you.
That day I returned to the apartment I wanted to talk things out with you, we'd been together for 18 months, I loved you, we talked and you swore to me you would never do that again, you didn't, for a week.
The day I was in the shower you came into the bathroom, pulled me out and just threw me to the bathroom floor pull your pants down and force yourself into me, I told you stop you were hurting me but you didn't, you told me I was your bitch. When you finished you left I stayed there, I couldn't move I just cried.
From that moment on you controlled every aspect of my life, I couldn't have a cellphone you decided what I wore, who I talked to, what I ate, and when and where you wanted to have sex.
I felt nothing like myself I had no confidence I lived scared of you, I didn't feel alive. I was just an object, your object.
One day I broke down, started crying in the middle of the class, the teacher told my to go to the counselor's office, I didn't knew what to do I couldn't just say "I think my boyfriend rapes me" I certainly felt violated but using the word rape, felt like an insult to everyone who has "really been raped" and it also made it real, that my boyfriend who I used to love so much has attacked me and is abusing me. When I finally could say it, he was in shock he told me those were serious accusations that you could go to prison for it. We discussed more about it, Jake you always went to pick me up from the classroom to make sure I didn't talk to anyone, so when you saw me walking out from the counselor's office you got furious, you pull me to the men's bathroom slapped me, warned me to never do that again, that night was one of the hardest.
Few days later counselor Brody* approached me but I told him everything was fine now, that it had all been a misunderstanding, and told him not to talk to me again. I was terrified of what you could do when you found out.
This went on for 3 months, I was completely isolated. I started missing entire weeks of class.
But it didn't matter how hard I tried to keep you happy, one day you drank too much, after raping me you beat me, I tried to fight back but I only got you to break my arm, I escaped locked myself in the bathroom and begged so you wouldn't get it, I spent the night there, when I heard you went out I went with the neighbor asked him to use the phone, when he saw me he called an ambulance, I was taken to the hospital, you broke my arm so bad I needed surgery, and my face was unrecognizable, there, they contacted the police I said I was attacked by you, my boyfriend, I spent the night at the hospital, called Sara and in tears told her what had happened, talked to my parents they convince me to press charges against you to the police.
I was able to get help I had daily therapy for months and I continue with it today six moths after leaving the hospital, my therapy is now weekly, this letter being a part of it, I know the chance of you getting a conviction is low, but I don't care, no sentence would be enough to pay for what you did to me, all I want is to get my life back, to be and feel like myself again, it's still really hard because I keep feeling guilty, As if it was my fault that it got to that point, that I should have asked for help, called the cops the first day you attacked me, I know it wasn't my fault but it's hard, some days I feel like I'm gonna be fine and I'll get through it, others I feel so small and powerless just like I did when I was with you. Some days I have terrible nightmares where you find me again and I can't escape.
I know there is no point on asking Why me? There's no answer to that, no one, absolutely no one deserves this, because it's not over when your abuser is away from you or goes to prison, ahead of you it's a path that is very hard to walk, I'm lucky I have friends and family taking care of and supporting me.
But I'm sure of some things.
I know your abuse wasn't my fault.
Yes I was physically, psychologically and sexually assaulted, but that is not who I am, I am so much more than that, that is only one part of my past.
I don't know what happened, what made you change? Something happened to you while we were together? Or was this abusive man the real you all the time and you fooled me at the begging of our relationship. Either way it wasn't my fault, you shouldn't have taken it out on me, I loved you and you hurt me to the point of making me be terrified of you.
But I'm getting better I'm getting my strength back.
Because you don't own me, I am the only one in charge of my life, only I can decide in which direction I take it. I'm a survivor and I'll keep working to get better, to heal.
*name was changed
There are photographs of my injures taken at the hospital but I was adviced not to make them public.
This letter is entirely therapeutical, no other intention is behind it.