It's been almost 7 months since the last time you saw your child, and that's only because his Great Grandmother emailed me. It's been over a year since you've contacted him yourself. There are no birthday phone calls. No parent teacher conferences, or meetings with the adjustment counselor. No foot ball practices, or games. No doctors appointments, student of the month celebrations, late night emergency room visits, no fishing trips.
You're not here to see your child tear himself to pieces because he has to come to the terms that you left him without an explanation. You're not here to convince him that he is worthy of love, and that he matters. And just when I think he's starting to heal, the bandaid gets ripped off, and we have to start the process all over.
I am thankful. I am thankful for my husband. Who day after day loves a little boy that he never had to. That no matter how hard my son pushes him away, he never stops trying for him to show him he is wanted. I am thankful he HAS a dad who is worthy of that title, even if it isnt his biological one.
I am thankful for MY father, who makes sure to include him in EVERYTHING you never did. He teaches my son about hard work, and doing things for people not because you get paid to do them, but because you love the people you are helping. Hes being taught to be compassionate, that if you have the ability to help, you should. About obligation, and responsibility, and leadership, and love, and how ALL those things intertwine.
I am thankful for my male friends, who include him, and consider him, and treat him like he belongs. Who take him under his wing and acknowledge him, and bond with him - making strides in efforts you always deemed beneath you. These men, with their own families, and their own jobs, and their own obligations have set aside more time to dedicate to investing in your child than you have.
People that do not HAVE to love my son, love him, and they love him HARD. Because we need him to know that even though you are incapable of doing it, that he is worth it. That he deserves it.
I suppose, I have to come to peace with the idea that you will never get it together for him.
I will have to come to peace with the fact that despite that we BOTH know the truth, you will parade me around like "a monster who wont LET you see your son" and your friends will believe that. The most dangerous lie we can tell ourselves is the one we begin to believe.
I have to come to peace knowing that you will NEVER mend the wounds you created in this wonderful, innocent boy. And have left cleaning up the pieces to me, and his step father.
I may have to forgive you for what you have done to him, because that is the ONLY way I can help him heal.
But I will NEVER forget what you've done. I will never forget the nights I've held my son while he's cried himself to sleep. Or the outbursts we've settled when hes waited for HOURS for you to pick him up, and never show up. Or the breakdown he has every time his phone calls get forwarded to voicemail. I will NEVER forget the way you've made my child feel, but I need to focus on healing him from the damage you have caused, so I need to forgive you.
I wish you the best in your endeavors.
