Maintain your focus

Subject: Maintain your focus
From: Myself
Date: 1 Mar 2021

You recently had someone ask you; "What is your dream to accomplish?". To which you replied; "I don't have dreams.".

This made your thoughts go into a downward spiral and forced you to ask yourself... "What are you doing in life?". No answer was presented.

When I am faced with questions about my future I seem to always over react and blow things out of proportion. It's a simple and innocent enough question that shouldn't be answered with hostility but that's exactly what I did. It forced me to take a look at my life and reflect on what I've accomplished... what I want to accomplish. More so, it just made me realize what I haven't accomplished. All my life I had never planned for the future. I never thought about the future. Sure, you go through schooling and you're always faced with that main question; "What do you want to do in life?". I just never had an answer or it would always change. This is hard to explain because not everyone will understand but I truly just have never felt like I'd be here this long; living this long that is. No, it's not because I planned on ending my life or am suicidal or anything like that. I just never fully grasped the concept of living. When I was younger, I never thought about life---the future. I was always just trying to get through the moments as they came, I suppose. Like I said, it's not something I can easily explain because I don't know how to explain it. Even still, the explanation above doesn't fully describe what I mean and how I feel.

Now that I'm out of school, past the main stages of building a life for oneself, and AM still here... what do I want for the future? Obviously I'm here to stay so... it's time to finally think about this question. When I'm confronted with this, it makes me feel bad about myself because so far I have not done anything noteworthy...I have not done anything to make an impact... I have not done.. anything. I get up everyday and I live my life as it is; I see my family, I hang with friends, I go to work, repeat. Is this fulfilling?

The reason I believe this question hurt me so much is because from whom it was delivered. I always get a little butt hurt when people ask me this question because of what's stated above but this time... it derailed me. This person who asked me; I've started to wrongly admire... they're a successful business man; married; accomplished; entrepreneur; always looking for ways to better himself and is always doing mentorships and learning; volunteers his time helping others, donates to different causes; very opinionated and self educated. I never once felt intimidated by him or his life until now. He makes me feel so small in a world that is so big. I feel as though I've gotten wrongly attached to him for perhaps now I see that all he was trying to do is push me to reach a potential that's in me. To push me to actually live a fulfilling life. I just feel so scrutinized by someone "bigger and better" than me and it doesn't feel good...compared to all that he has done, I feel worthless. I know this is not the intent he had when asking me, that he only wanted to help me achieve my dreams but this is how I felt.

Even still I have no answer to this question; "What is your dream to accomplish?"
What do I want out of life? What makes me happy? The only thing I can think of is "If I didn't have to work, what would I do?"
The only thing I really want from this to just experience the world; I want to travel and see the world. I want to photograph everything I find beautiful and inspiring. I want to meet new people and make new friends. I want to spread love and kindness. I want to be happy.

Does it make me a bad person if I don't pick a great cause and fight for it? Does it make me a bad person if I don't volunteer my time? I try my best at being as kind as possible to everyone I meet and I do help out when I can but could I be doing more? ...

Life is what you make it. Open the blinds and step outside or keep them shut and stay inside.