Dear Self

Subject: Dear Self
From: Yourself
Date: 16 Jul 2020

Dear Self,

It's been almost five years since you started handling a team. Five years of getting your team together. Five years of keeping yourself intact just to make sure your team do the same. Five years of making their problems yours. Five years of ups and downs, highlights and lowlights, happiness, fulfillment, anger and a lot more. It's been five long years and look how it made you feel, tired. Tired of the never ending performance reviews you have to battle out just so your team members wouldn’t have to talk to those bosses who see them as numbers. Tired of giving pieces of advice to your troubled agents when in fact, you yourself can’t put things together for your life. Tired of the never ending coaching sessions to help the team keep up with others, just tired of managing them. But this feeling you are feeling now brought you fortune. May not be as good and many as what others achieved but good enough to make yourself proud at least of what you achieved despite not completing college. Making enough money to survive and be independent. Yeah you don’t help your parents that much financially but you have your brother supporting them. Others knowing that you are a supervisor despite your educational attainment makes you proud, and maybe your parents too. Now you wanted to resign from the position you held on for five long years because you are tired of hearing and fixing somebody else's problem? Tired of the never ending coaching for some irresponsible agents. But what's holding you back? Why don’t you just send an irrevocable resignation letter to your boss and get this over with? Why can’t you just do that and let go all the suffering?

This has made you mind think round the clock for how many months, three months to be exact. Yeah you submitted it once in May but retracted it after a few weeks. And look where it brought you, same shit you've been longing to leave. Now ask yourself, why are you staying? Elaborate them, check the pros and cons then decide. Oh sure, it sounded easy but it has never been. it wouldn’t take you three fucking months to decide. So what is it that's stopping you to end this career? Pride - you just don’t want to lose the title in a snap. Money - you know you can’t earn this much money outside the industry thinking you are an undergrad with a lot of bills to pay. Perception - you are anxious of what others would think and how they would look at you knowing that you were once a child with high hopes of finishing your studies and landing the job you ever wanted. Disappointment - you are afraid of what your parents would answer when they are asked by some random neighbor or relative what she does for a living. Lastly, you feel uneasy knowing that you can’t control what's going to happen in the future if you leave this job. Knowing that you can’t control something makes you agitated. But hey! you can’t just leave. You have your bosses who trusts you (maybe  ), you have your team who needs you (may not be all of them), you have your bills to pay (the processing fee worth 29K and the mortgage) lastly, you still have a lot of dreams you haven’t achieved. How can you fulfil them if you're damn broke!

I know you can’t decide right at this moment but I am hoping you can clear your mind now that you have let them all out. :)