My Continued Correspondence to my Love. E5

Subject: My Continued Correspondence to my Love. E5
From: Dean Ardwen
Date: 29 Sep 2019

Good evening, K. I hope all is well, and that you're safely in bed and asleep. I haven't had much alone time recently, and that which I have had has been fleeting and sporadic. Now is the first time in a few days that I have had leave to actually write, and lucky me, I feel like writing.

I'm glad you're still reading these. I wasn't expecting any further word from you, but it was a pleasant surprise. It revitalized me in a way you could never fully appreciate unless you were in my shoes. I'm smiling more, thinking more, and I'm enjoying existence again. It's funny how rarely those two processes coincide; thinking and smiling. It seems that the more buried we are in our thoughts, the less there is to smile about. But the exact opposite holds true for me for some reason. You probably have something to do with that.

On other fronts, things are looking up. I'm getting more responsibility at work, even if that is tied to longer hours, more contact with less-than-pleasant supervisors, and a harsher spotlight. I'm now the primary instructor for that thing i'm good at for the whole company, as well as knocking two junior supervisors out of the way and being placed over them. (and possibly one senior supervisor, time will tell with him). The company is putting a lot of trust and faith in me, and I play my best when I have a lot to lose.

Finances are finally stabilizing. My time in ******** really drained my bank account, and having a new car payment wasn't (and still isn't) helping the cause. My goal to have 20k in savings by the end of my time with the company may be a bit of a lofty goal, but I'm inching my way there. There was a hiccup with my promotion, an organization-wide hiccup really. You can probably ask your husband about it. So it looks like I won't be getting that raise until either December or January. That's fine, but that three months' difference is almost two thousand dollars, and I'm sad that I won't see it.

Your financial prowess was, and still is, inspiring. It helps that both of you work of course, and don't have children yet. It was honestly humiliating when I glanced over at your phone one of those nights and saw your statements, especially considering how stressed you were about it. I was sitting there with a new car loan, a few thousand in credit card debt, and a savings account that looked like a street address, feeling perfectly financially secure. I'm a bit more fiscally conscious now, but fighting my way out of the hole I comfortably dug is an uphill process. It would be far easier if everything here wasn't so expensive, but I digress.

Speaking about kids, my daughter is slowly but steadily turning her affection towards me. It may be some while yet until I'm her favorite, but the battlefield is a bit more even now. She'll sit on my lap while I'm at my desk, we go for walks, I watch her while the other parent in the household is otherwise engaged. She's getting big. It seems like every night she gets noticeably larger, and I'll have to get her new clothes soon. A thought just occurred to me:

She could be distancing herself from my wife because she can sense the negative energy coming from her. And oh, it's palpable. She has been getting steadily worse. For the first time, yesterday, she had a random panic attack in a department store we were in. She shut down completely, wouldn't talk. I thought she was pissed at me for some reason, but that turned out not to be true. (A first for everything I suppose.)

She wouldn't even tell me what was wrong until later, when she broke down crying in the car. I had to pry, and you know how much I hate doing that. But these symptoms are all just escalating to the point that if they keep going in this direction, I won't have to try to prove her unfit in court. Even now there is a case to be made for it. Missing work, staying in bed all day, hanging out with male "friends" anywhere BUT the house.

GET THIS. She is currently hanging out with a friend. A male friend. (yes, I know.) She just asked me to transfer her money so they can go grab drinks! Who in their right mind would ask their spouse for money so they could go drink with a "friend" of the opposite sex? At this point she has to be just seeing how far she can push me before I call her out. I won't do it unless I literally catch them, though. It doesn't hurt my feelings any, I'm just more or less shocked by the audacity.

In any case, I'm done talking about that mistake of a person. It's just too depressing, especially considering...well. Considering others I have been with. (You)

I'm about to head to the gym, so I'll cut this letter short. I was just eager to resume my writings, knowing that we still have that connection, however one-sided the correspondence may be. I don't mind that too much, honestly. I would like to hear from you, but I also don't trust myself not to press my suit with you, and I would very much prefer you didn't get killed by a possessive husband in the event he found out.

I'll up the frequency of my letters again, now that I know you see them. I revel in the thought of you reading them. Even now I have this sublime mental image of you sitting on your legs, reading this with a smile, ever so faint, tugging at the corner of your lips.

That reminds me! I've resumed work on our summer playlist, and I'm hoping to have it done within the next few weeks. I'll let you know through one of these letters when it's complete. Just shoot me an email whenever you read that I'm done and give me a good time to send it. I don't want you to get a strange notification from me when he's around. That's why I didn't reply to your last one.

Anyways, until next time,

-Dean

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