Dear
It has been 22 months to the hour since I took my last drink. Unfortunately for you and I, and our relationship, that day came too late. AA outlines a 12-step program for those in recovery, number 8 being making amendments to those we have hurt with our using. I do not follow AA, but will spend the rest of my life atoning for what I have done.
I was an alcoholic before we met, an alcoholic the day you left, and remain alcoholic to this day and everyday until my final breath. I hid my addiction from you for as long as I could do so, especially when we got closer and more serious. But you knew. Somehow you always knew, even though you may not have known at the time. Because of my drinking, I cascaded, and I took you with me, and there was nothing you could do. You thought you could be strong enough for the both of us and in the end, I defeated us both. You cried in front of me, I still drank. I emotionally abused you, and you stayed. I promised you I would quit and get help; I lied. I saw the hurt in your eyes every time I poured everyday after work, drank myself stupid in front of your friends just so I could tolerate them, when I'd come to bed drunk everynight, when I'd have to have a drink even before I could acknowledge you, when I'd leave social gatherings just to go home and drink some more. You became a ghost of yourself everytime I'd blackout and wake up not remember screaming at you, punching walls, destroying my house and our things, and my heart. And still you never abandoned me, or hope.
I want you to know that none of this was ever your fault. You came in clueless. You thought you could fix me, but in reality, nobody on this Earth could have kept me from drinking. In the end, I loved alcohol more than I loved you. Your leaving was probably one of the best choices you've ever made.
And you are stronger for it.
I cannot take back what I've done. The 2 1/2 years it took me to finally write this is testimony to that. My amends to both of us is that we are alive, and flourishing. I hope that you are no longer lost but are paving the path you were meant to have, as I am doing.
~Me
