Dear Daddy,
Everyday I think about all the fun things we did when I was little. We made so many memories together. I feel that after you started getting sicker that we weren't as close. I wish all the times I ignored you or rolled my eyes at you or made a smart remark, I wish I could go back and change how I acted towards you. I am so sorry for acting that way. I just needed you to tell me good things instead of the fact you were going to die. I was so scared of you, honestly. I was scared that I would be all by myself with you when it happened. I know its kind of morbid. But I was only 11 years old. I am so very sorry for having my outrages over ridiculous things. I know they gave you headaches, back then I didn't realize how stressful I was.
It has been three almost four years since you left us daddy. I still have replays in the back of my mind. I keep replaying that Monday Morning when cancer won the battle. There are no words I could possibly say to describe how heartbroken I am. You were the one who let me play in the mud, finger paint on the table, and help you bake blueberry muffins, when mom wasn't around. Don't worry I haven't told her all the crazy things you let me do when I was in your responsibility. I don't believe I ever said thank you for all the times you got me out of trouble. There are so many things I wanted to tell you that I didn't get the chance to. I
I want to be able to tell you that me and mom are fine. That everyday when we wake up it feels normal, but I can't do that. In reality, we are not fine. Everyday is less and less normal because we both know your supposed to be here. You were supposed to go to my softball games and cheer me on even though you hated sitting in the hot watching when I was little. You were supposed to be at my first basketball game, because I always said I wanted to play and I knew you would be my number one fan. Your supposed to be here to help with my math because it aggravates mom that she can't help me. I need you daddy. I need you to be here. I love in the mornings, when I first wake up. For just a second I forget that when I walk into the living room you won't be there, but after that second is gone and I realize your gone and never coming back, my day is just sad. I feel like I have emotional scars tearing my body apart.
I hurt because I miss you so much. I love you so much daddy, not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here. I am scared that I'm forgetting about you. Sometimes I have to look at pictures to remember what you look like. Sometimes I have to listen to your CD's to remember what you sound like. I don't want to lose touch with you. I'm afraid I'll start forgetting my memories of us together too, and that's all I have left. I can't lose the things that make me smile. You were my rock, my safe place. I wish I knew if you could hear me when I talk to you. I feel like you can, because when me and mom argue I can feel the disappointment. I just wish I could hear your voice again daddy. Thank you for raising me to half of my childhood.
love,
your daughter Alexis
