Subject: Dear "father"
From: The daughter you forgot about
Date:
22
Jun
2016
Hi
I was going to write "dad", but it just don't feel right. How could it do?
When I told you I didn't want to see you anymore, I was 100% you would have make everything you could to talk to me face to face.
You didn't.
I thought you would have come back.
You didn't.
I passed so many days thinking about how could you preferred a woman you had known for months over your daughter.
My conclusions were many, and the thing they had in common was just one: you didn't care about me, at all.
Then I came to the second question, why didn't you care?
The answer came simply, straight to my heart. I wasn't enough for you, I wasn't worth of your love.
That thought taunted me for months, maybe even years, and there were moments when I even believed it was true.
How many times did I send you messages you didn't answer to?
I perfectly remember the one where I told you the Spanish teacher gave me an A.
I was so excited, I wanted you to know it, maybe to make you feel proud, to convince you that I was worthwhile.
I waited and waited for a reply that didn't come.
And that time when I called you and you made your girlfriend answer? She told me I didn't love you, she told me she cared more about you than I ever did.
Those words completely shattered my heart, I remember being in the car crying a river, gasping for breath.
I endured pain, thanks to you.
And all I did was keep chasing you, making you know I was there, I loved you and I missed you.
And you know what?
I would never do these things again.
You turned me into a person who is scared of showing their love to people they care the most about. I never do the first step, and even when the other does it towards me, I immediately draw back whenever I feel the slightest sense of annoyance.
I don't let others know me, I only let them know what stands on the surface, because I know that if I showed myself completely, I would start loving them truly.
But that's not the problem.
The problem is that I give it for granted that people who i open myself to will go away out of the blue.
I give it for granted that people don't love me as I do, no matter how hard I try to make me love.
I try to convince them that I am worthy of love, but deep inside me I know for sure they will never think so.
The saddest thing of all is that I know what my problem is, still I don't seem able to get out of this conviction.
I am tired of always questioning what the person who stands in front of me thinks about me.
So, no, I won't say that growing up without you made me feel confident about myself.
There is one thing I learned though.
I can go and follow my own path without anyone telling me what to do. I grew up without you telling me how much you loved you, without you giving me advices about boys, without you threatening me if I would have dated a guy you didn't like. I even developed a sort of hate towards men. Thanks to you I can't even think about being in a relationship. You ruined me, but like you taught me, I will get through it. I hope you'll regret making the choice you did. What goes around comes back around, they say.
When I told you I didn't want to see you anymore, I was 100% you would have make everything you could to talk to me face to face.
You didn't.
I thought you would have come back.
You didn't.
I passed so many days thinking about how could you preferred a woman you had known for months over your daughter.
My conclusions were many, and the thing they had in common was just one: you didn't care about me, at all.
Then I came to the second question, why didn't you care?
The answer came simply, straight to my heart. I wasn't enough for you, I wasn't worth of your love.
That thought taunted me for months, maybe even years, and there were moments when I even believed it was true.
How many times did I send you messages you didn't answer to?
I perfectly remember the one where I told you the Spanish teacher gave me an A.
I was so excited, I wanted you to know it, maybe to make you feel proud, to convince you that I was worthwhile.
I waited and waited for a reply that didn't come.
And that time when I called you and you made your girlfriend answer? She told me I didn't love you, she told me she cared more about you than I ever did.
Those words completely shattered my heart, I remember being in the car crying a river, gasping for breath.
I endured pain, thanks to you.
And all I did was keep chasing you, making you know I was there, I loved you and I missed you.
And you know what?
I would never do these things again.
You turned me into a person who is scared of showing their love to people they care the most about. I never do the first step, and even when the other does it towards me, I immediately draw back whenever I feel the slightest sense of annoyance.
I don't let others know me, I only let them know what stands on the surface, because I know that if I showed myself completely, I would start loving them truly.
But that's not the problem.
The problem is that I give it for granted that people who i open myself to will go away out of the blue.
I give it for granted that people don't love me as I do, no matter how hard I try to make me love.
I try to convince them that I am worthy of love, but deep inside me I know for sure they will never think so.
The saddest thing of all is that I know what my problem is, still I don't seem able to get out of this conviction.
I am tired of always questioning what the person who stands in front of me thinks about me.
So, no, I won't say that growing up without you made me feel confident about myself.
There is one thing I learned though.
I can go and follow my own path without anyone telling me what to do. I grew up without you telling me how much you loved you, without you giving me advices about boys, without you threatening me if I would have dated a guy you didn't like. I even developed a sort of hate towards men. Thanks to you I can't even think about being in a relationship. You ruined me, but like you taught me, I will get through it. I hope you'll regret making the choice you did. What goes around comes back around, they say.
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